Karma: The Vending Machine Nazi

Today, I would like to teach you all a lesson in Karma. Now I know you could just as easily turn on My Name Is Earl on NBC and get the same lesson while laughing at the hilarious Jason Lee and gawking at the beautiful Jamie Pressly, but you came to my site, so humor me here ok?



A couple of weeks ago, I posted a story called The Dangling Item. (Click link to re-read).

Long story short, I took two Twinkies from the vending machine for the price of one. Well, karma has come back to bite me on that one friends. (Let me take a second to say "You were right" to The Phoenix, who basically called me out on it.)

I should have known that vending machine would remember me ripping extra product from it's belly, but it is, after all, just a machine...or so I thought!! The other day I returned to that machine for some Doritos...Nacho Cheese variety. The machine called out for 65 cents.

I first tried a dollar bill. It spit it back....three times. Finally, the bill took. I pressed 114, and the displayed read "PLEASE USE EXACT CHANGE."

I reach into my pocket and realized I only had quarters and dimes in my pocket. I put 2 quarters and 2 dimes in...I really didn't care if the extra nickel change popped back, I wanted the chips!! I put the change in, and to my horror, the machine totally ate my dimes!!

Credit 50 cents, the machine read.

So, I tried to get the change back, and 2 quarters popped out...no dimes. Crap!! I took out a third quarter and put them all in the slot.

I pressed 114 again. "PLEASE USE EXACT CHANGE." Double Crap!!

The machine was just toying with me at this point. I swear the display read "No Chips for you, fatboy!" at one point. Maybe this machine was the Vending Machine Nazi!! I apologized to it's cold display for taking the Twinkies and swore I never would again. I thought that would help.

I tried the quarters again...no luck. I flagged down a passing worker and luckily for me, he had some nickels. I put the 2 quarters and 3 nickels into the slot, apologized again, and pressed 114.

Nothing happened.

I pressed 114 again.

"PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION"

I just put my head into my hand, hit 116 for Doritos...Cool Ranch, and skulked back to my desk, thoroughly defeated by the Vending Machine Nazi. As Jerry Seinfeld said..."It's hard living under a Nazi regime!!"

And how!!

POISON w/ Special Guests Cinderella

Ah, petchulli...it has been a year since I have smelled your scent. Maybe that's a good thing...

Concert season is upon us once again, and this year began with a trip down memory lane...well, not my memory lane, as I am of the alternative generation, but a trip down my older friend's memory lane.

Our first stop...Poison and Cinderella.

The night began with a pretty cool sounding band, whose name I forget. Do you think that playing your music in front of tens of thousands of people makes it any easier to swallow the fact that hardly any of them are listening? I hope so. They weren't bad, but I find it hard to embrace an '80's sounding band that is coming out in the 2000's. It's just creepy.

While the opener was playing, we decided to play a little game.

Which concert goer had the most out of place concert shirt on? The rules were simple: Find the person at a Hair Metal Concert that had a shirt on depicting a musical act that was the furthest away from hair metal. I quickly gave an exemption to classic artists, such as The Who, Led Zep, Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles.

I was really hoping for a Raffi shirt...but no luck.


"Do you have any Raffi? Reefer? NO, RAFFI!!"

The search was not going very well...Poison, Cinderella, Poison, Ratt, Guns and Roses...then, Becky spotted the winner.

RAY CHARLES!!

Come on, dude, Ray Charles at a Poison show? That's wack!! (consolation prize goes to the girl wearing the Hello Kitty shirt...ok, technically that's not a music shirt, and she was only about 7 years old...but damn, Hello Kitty at a Rock concert?!?)

CINDERELLA



After a brief intermission, a large Cinderella curtain dropped in front of the stage. The speakers blasted out the sound of lightning, and ironically, at the same moment, it started raining. Very strange, huh?

The band blasted full force into...

I was going to try and pretend I knew any of the Cinderella songs, but in reality, I just don't. I knew Nobody's Fool, but that is the extent of my Cinderella knowledge. Sorry, folks!!

I was very impressed, however, that their lead singer (again, I don't know who he is, sorry '80's fans!) played:

Piano
Saxophone
Slide, lap guitar thing

and

Lead Guitar.

That takes some talent. (no, he didn't play them all at the same time!!) I was left wondering, however, do you think this dude really thought Cinderella was a cool band name? I bet when he was 20, he never thought he'd still be singing for Cinderella when he was 40!!

The rain stopped, and so did Cinderella. They were overall ok, but just not my bag really.

INTERMISSION

While we have this break in the action, let me take a minute to tell you, dear readers, about hand signs at concerts. When you are rocking out to your favorite 80's band, metal band, or harder hitting band, the correct hand signage is:

This hand symbol:



Means "Hang Loose" and is NOT COOL at a concert (unless you are in Hawaii).

This hand symbol:



Means "I Love You" and is also NOT COOL at a concert...in fact, it's never cool, loser!!

POISON

Before Poison took the stage, we tried to predict if CC DeVille would have normal, calm hair or crazy CC hair. When they took the stage and broke into "Look at What the Cat Dragged In," our question was answered...CRAZY CC HAIR!! Bret was running around the stage, CC was doing his CC thang, and the band sounded great!

I was surprised that I actually knew all the songs, as I was never one to pop in a Poison CD. I couldn't sing along to most, but I still grooved out and enjoyed myself. The band played hit after hit, after hit...the energy was very high, the pyrotechnics were blasting, and Bret's voice sounded really smooth and strong. I did get a bit frustrated with Bret having to seemingly tell CC when he was to solo...everytime before the solo, Bret would scream, "Hit it CC!" or "Do it, CC!" or "CC!!"

Half way through the set, the band left CC to embark on some wicked guitar solos which had me wondering if he had an extra finger or two on his left hand. He doesn't, but wouldn't that be cool if you DID have an extra working finger, and could play stuff no one else could because of it? I mean even if the extra finger didn't work, but you could use it to hold down barre chords and stuff it would be cool...

Sorry, I got sidetracked there.

He then went into a song of his own called "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body, Except Mine." I think it was a love song. Aww, how sweet!! You could really tell CC really likes himself, as he asked the crowd for applause, and during the song, he yelled out his own name before the solo..."Hit it, CC!"

The night rocked long and hard, with a few classics like Unskinny Bop, Every Rose, and Nothin' But a Good Time closing the show. There was time for an encore...Talk Dirty to Me. Sweet. Then we herded out with the rest of the cattle to our cars, and we drove out (rather quickly for Verizon) and headed to the after concert stop...White Castle. It's tradition!!

Next stop on the concert scene...DEF LEP!!

Hot Conversation

Me: "Damn, it's as hot as a witch's titty out here, which begs the question, how hot is a witch's titty?"

Scott: "Well, it really depends on how you classify a witch. Are witches descendents of hell, or are they the undead?"

Me: *shrug* "Spawns of Satan?"

Scott: "I don't think they are spawns of Satan per se. I think they are undead."

Me: "You can kill witches though...you can burn them..."

Scott: "You can kill Zombies, too, and they are undead."

Me: *shrugs, true*

Scott: "See, I think witches aren't really witches until they get past the age of normal living people, you know, like over 100. Until that point, they could just act like witches, and learn the craft..."

Me: "What about the girls in the movie, "The Craft"?"

Scott: "No, they are Wicca Witches, that doesn't count."

Me: "Oh, so real witches aren't made, they are born into it?"

Scott: "Something like that."

Me: "So, it's past down, maybe skip a generation..."

Scott: "Yeah, and when they reach a certain age, then you know they couldn't possibly be that old, and that's when they have proven they aren't real life people..."

Me: "Ah, they are undead!"

Scott: "Exactly!! And if you were so inclined as to feel the witch's titty, I bet it would be room temperature, or cold...not hot."

Me: "Ah, that explains it!!"

Scott: "But the expression is cold as a witch's titty."

Me: "It is? Oh, never mind then..."

What I Learned Over the Four Day Holiday

Ah, summer. Time for the sun, the cook outs, and a break from the icy winter months. Nothing says summer more than the Fourth of July!! Independence Day!! FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!

Here, for you my friends, are some things I learned this Independence Day.

1. When Laying in the Pool on a Floaty...WEAR SUNSCREEN!! I am still itching, and I burned a week ago!!

2. Sun Poisoning SUCKS!! When you are exposed to the sun for a long period of time, or, in my case, if you have a lot of body to expose to the sun, it really sucks to get burned...but it is twice as bad, when you get sun poisoning. Your skin blisters, your body starts tingling to the point you can't even concentrate, and...well, does there need to be an and?!? It sucks! Wear sunscreen you crazy loons!!

3. Lotion Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. I was laying in bed, tingling all over, my mind racing...I couldn't think straight, but I knew I needed the tingling to STOP!! I grabbed for the lotion, and proceeded to smear it all over. It didn't help. It just made me tingly and greasy.

4. Vitamin A and D Ointment Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. After the lotion fiasco, I went downstairs and searched the internet for home remedies. (Ok, smarty...go ahead and say Aloe at this point...I KNOW ALOE!! I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ALOE!!) So, I grab for the Vitamin A and D ointment. For those of you not in the know, this ointment is for diaper rash, I think, and it helps with the sting of tattoos. It's thick, it's slimy, and it stinks.

But I wasn't thinking straight.

I grabbed up that tube and began squirting that nasty mess all over me. Now I was:

Tingly

Greasy

AND Slimy.

You guessed it...the stuff didn't help.

5. A Hot Shower Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. In my continuing saga of the insane itchy tingly feeling, I read about taking a shower. But, this website (which I should have stopped trusting at this point!!) said to "take a hot shower because it will open the pores and remove dead skin."

What it didn't tell you was that a hot shower on a sunburned body also causes convulsions of pain akin to razors slicing your eyeballs!! If you've never had razors cut your eyeballs before, trust me, it sucks!! (not that I have, mind you, but come on...it's razors...on your EYEBALLS!!)

6. A Cold Shower DOES Help Sun Poisoning. Finally, I went against the advice of the website which vehemently advised against cold showers (as it would "close your pores and trap heat in") and I turned the flowing lava off of my shower, to straight cold. Ah, the cold water felt like I was rubbing a furry bunny on my chest and arms. Salvation at last!! I was under that cold water until my finger tips were wrinkly. When I got out, I didn't even need to dry off, as my burnt skin absorbed the water like a sponge. I quickly went to sleep, so as to avoid the pain again.

7. I Cannot Eat My Weight In Hamburger. I tried really hard...but could only manage 3 burgers!! I just can't put it away like I use to!!

8. I Need To Wear Shorts More. I wore shorts to several cookouts over the 4 day weekend. At every one, somebody asked: "Is that tattoo new?" For those of you not in the know, I have a shamrock on my calf...I got it last summer. I think I lost count at 5 people asking if it was new. Maybe I should wear shorts more...or talk to my relatives more...(Oh, and I need to wear shorts more, cause my legs are damn sexy!!)

9. Fireworks Are Cooler When You Light Them Yourself. I never liked fireworks much. They are loud, hurt my eyes, and are kinda dumb. However...when you set the fire to one personally, and watch it explode...very cool.

10. Fireworks Are NOT Cool at Midnight When You Have To Work The Next Day. Come on, people!! Don't you have jobs? QUIT WITH THE FIREWORKS AT MIDNIGHT!!

And Finally...

11. Kids Are Heavy When You Have to Throw Them Around In The Pool. I looked at the clock. it was 5 pm. I jumped in the pool. Five screaming kids choked me, grabbed my leg, pulled me down...I picked one up and threw him. Big mistake.

"Throw me, throw me!!" screamed the little kids.

So I did. And I threw them, and threw them, and threw them...for what seemed like forever. Finally, when the waves stopped, and Uncle Tony got out (after all the kids, I might add!!) I thought I had been in the pool for at least 3 hours. I looked at the clock.

6 PM!!

Damn, those kids wore me out.

There you have it. Things that I learned over the 4 day weekend...I guess I also learned that a weekend really CAN be too long, as I was ready to come back to work to escape the burn, and the heavy kids, and the 97 degree heat. I needed to come back to work so I could get some rest!!