The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

FRIDAY


(Nothing but bills and a Rolling Stones Magazine)

(Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow.)

SATURDAY


(Playboy? That's it?!?)


(The waiting is killing me!!)

SUNDAY


(There's no mail on Sunday, and you can't be sad all the time!!)

MONDAY

(Wait a minute...what is this?)


(Could this be the package I've been waiting for?)




(It is!!! My Will Kirby from Big Brother All-Stars Keychain!!)

(Front View)-------------------------------(Back View)

(Geez, it's only a keychain people!!)

Angry Rant # 6

Ok kids, I can only take so much before I snap and type a ranting blog about that which hath made me snap. You all know by now that I am a big tv watcher, and by being such an avid watcher, you inevitably have to watch the dreaded commercials. Well, a few commercials these days have me quite uneasy due to their lack of logic.

Here are a few examples:

1. Suzuki - Grand Vitara

The Setup:

A guy in a business suit opens his front door and turns to kiss his wife goodbye for the day. He takes two steps before the camera pans out and we see the guy basejump down into a huge canyon or ravine or whatever those huge holes are called.

He lands feet away from his Grand Vitara, gets in and drives away.

The Problem:

The thing that bugs me about this commercial is this: If this dude's house is at the top of this canyon, and his car is at the bottom, how the hell does he get to his house when he gets home from work? He doesn't drive up there, cause his car is at the bottom!! And I'm not sure I'm ready to buy the fact that he scales the cliff face every evening.

2. US Army

The Setup:

a.) The boss walks into the airplane hangar with a new employee by his side. The new employee is a former Army man who is taking a civilian job. The boss leaves, and two other employees ask the Army man: "Have you ever worked with something so fast before?" (pointing at the airplane).

After a few moments of the Army man in military action, he looks at them and nods before very unemotionally, very smugly replying: "Yeah, in my last job." With a smirk on his face.

b.) Some friends are sitting on a porch, drinking some brewskis when an Army man, in his Army clothes walks in. The guys all cheer and welcome him in. They ask him what he does in the army, and he says he works with computers.

"Couldn't you do that here?" the friends ask.

After a few moments of action from the battlefield, the Army man says very unemotionally, very smugly: "No, not really." With a smirk on his face.

The Problem:

Couldn't the US Army tell these actors to not portray themselves as such arrogant dicks?!? My blog isn't political, so I won't comment of the war or any such thing, but I will say I wouldn't sign up if I was going to end up like these guys!! (Ed Note: the views on this blog are not necessarily the views of the writer...oh, wait, I'm the writer...never mind.)

3. White Castle

The Setup:

A lady has a freezer and a microwave in her bedroom, the freezer is stocked full of White Castle products.

The Problem:

She says she keeps the freezer in the bedroom "just in case there is another Y2K..." First of all, nothing happened on Y2K, but let's assume it did and chaos ensued. In that, worst case scenario, I'm sure the power would be out, and THE FREEZER AND MICROWAVE WOULDN'T WORK!!

Plus, like the previous White Castle commercial with the lady making Slider casserole, these actresses are just creepy. Hey freezer lady, what's with the Pale Baby Blue portraits of the kids hanging over the bed? This isn't 1940 you know!!

I'm sure there are other, but these are three have my brain boiling right now, and I better not push my brain's limits or it might just explode.

Karma: The Vending Machine Nazi

Today, I would like to teach you all a lesson in Karma. Now I know you could just as easily turn on My Name Is Earl on NBC and get the same lesson while laughing at the hilarious Jason Lee and gawking at the beautiful Jamie Pressly, but you came to my site, so humor me here ok?



A couple of weeks ago, I posted a story called The Dangling Item. (Click link to re-read).

Long story short, I took two Twinkies from the vending machine for the price of one. Well, karma has come back to bite me on that one friends. (Let me take a second to say "You were right" to The Phoenix, who basically called me out on it.)

I should have known that vending machine would remember me ripping extra product from it's belly, but it is, after all, just a machine...or so I thought!! The other day I returned to that machine for some Doritos...Nacho Cheese variety. The machine called out for 65 cents.

I first tried a dollar bill. It spit it back....three times. Finally, the bill took. I pressed 114, and the displayed read "PLEASE USE EXACT CHANGE."

I reach into my pocket and realized I only had quarters and dimes in my pocket. I put 2 quarters and 2 dimes in...I really didn't care if the extra nickel change popped back, I wanted the chips!! I put the change in, and to my horror, the machine totally ate my dimes!!

Credit 50 cents, the machine read.

So, I tried to get the change back, and 2 quarters popped out...no dimes. Crap!! I took out a third quarter and put them all in the slot.

I pressed 114 again. "PLEASE USE EXACT CHANGE." Double Crap!!

The machine was just toying with me at this point. I swear the display read "No Chips for you, fatboy!" at one point. Maybe this machine was the Vending Machine Nazi!! I apologized to it's cold display for taking the Twinkies and swore I never would again. I thought that would help.

I tried the quarters again...no luck. I flagged down a passing worker and luckily for me, he had some nickels. I put the 2 quarters and 3 nickels into the slot, apologized again, and pressed 114.

Nothing happened.

I pressed 114 again.

"PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION"

I just put my head into my hand, hit 116 for Doritos...Cool Ranch, and skulked back to my desk, thoroughly defeated by the Vending Machine Nazi. As Jerry Seinfeld said..."It's hard living under a Nazi regime!!"

And how!!

POISON w/ Special Guests Cinderella

Ah, petchulli...it has been a year since I have smelled your scent. Maybe that's a good thing...

Concert season is upon us once again, and this year began with a trip down memory lane...well, not my memory lane, as I am of the alternative generation, but a trip down my older friend's memory lane.

Our first stop...Poison and Cinderella.

The night began with a pretty cool sounding band, whose name I forget. Do you think that playing your music in front of tens of thousands of people makes it any easier to swallow the fact that hardly any of them are listening? I hope so. They weren't bad, but I find it hard to embrace an '80's sounding band that is coming out in the 2000's. It's just creepy.

While the opener was playing, we decided to play a little game.

Which concert goer had the most out of place concert shirt on? The rules were simple: Find the person at a Hair Metal Concert that had a shirt on depicting a musical act that was the furthest away from hair metal. I quickly gave an exemption to classic artists, such as The Who, Led Zep, Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles.

I was really hoping for a Raffi shirt...but no luck.


"Do you have any Raffi? Reefer? NO, RAFFI!!"

The search was not going very well...Poison, Cinderella, Poison, Ratt, Guns and Roses...then, Becky spotted the winner.

RAY CHARLES!!

Come on, dude, Ray Charles at a Poison show? That's wack!! (consolation prize goes to the girl wearing the Hello Kitty shirt...ok, technically that's not a music shirt, and she was only about 7 years old...but damn, Hello Kitty at a Rock concert?!?)

CINDERELLA



After a brief intermission, a large Cinderella curtain dropped in front of the stage. The speakers blasted out the sound of lightning, and ironically, at the same moment, it started raining. Very strange, huh?

The band blasted full force into...

I was going to try and pretend I knew any of the Cinderella songs, but in reality, I just don't. I knew Nobody's Fool, but that is the extent of my Cinderella knowledge. Sorry, folks!!

I was very impressed, however, that their lead singer (again, I don't know who he is, sorry '80's fans!) played:

Piano
Saxophone
Slide, lap guitar thing

and

Lead Guitar.

That takes some talent. (no, he didn't play them all at the same time!!) I was left wondering, however, do you think this dude really thought Cinderella was a cool band name? I bet when he was 20, he never thought he'd still be singing for Cinderella when he was 40!!

The rain stopped, and so did Cinderella. They were overall ok, but just not my bag really.

INTERMISSION

While we have this break in the action, let me take a minute to tell you, dear readers, about hand signs at concerts. When you are rocking out to your favorite 80's band, metal band, or harder hitting band, the correct hand signage is:

This hand symbol:



Means "Hang Loose" and is NOT COOL at a concert (unless you are in Hawaii).

This hand symbol:



Means "I Love You" and is also NOT COOL at a concert...in fact, it's never cool, loser!!

POISON

Before Poison took the stage, we tried to predict if CC DeVille would have normal, calm hair or crazy CC hair. When they took the stage and broke into "Look at What the Cat Dragged In," our question was answered...CRAZY CC HAIR!! Bret was running around the stage, CC was doing his CC thang, and the band sounded great!

I was surprised that I actually knew all the songs, as I was never one to pop in a Poison CD. I couldn't sing along to most, but I still grooved out and enjoyed myself. The band played hit after hit, after hit...the energy was very high, the pyrotechnics were blasting, and Bret's voice sounded really smooth and strong. I did get a bit frustrated with Bret having to seemingly tell CC when he was to solo...everytime before the solo, Bret would scream, "Hit it CC!" or "Do it, CC!" or "CC!!"

Half way through the set, the band left CC to embark on some wicked guitar solos which had me wondering if he had an extra finger or two on his left hand. He doesn't, but wouldn't that be cool if you DID have an extra working finger, and could play stuff no one else could because of it? I mean even if the extra finger didn't work, but you could use it to hold down barre chords and stuff it would be cool...

Sorry, I got sidetracked there.

He then went into a song of his own called "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body, Except Mine." I think it was a love song. Aww, how sweet!! You could really tell CC really likes himself, as he asked the crowd for applause, and during the song, he yelled out his own name before the solo..."Hit it, CC!"

The night rocked long and hard, with a few classics like Unskinny Bop, Every Rose, and Nothin' But a Good Time closing the show. There was time for an encore...Talk Dirty to Me. Sweet. Then we herded out with the rest of the cattle to our cars, and we drove out (rather quickly for Verizon) and headed to the after concert stop...White Castle. It's tradition!!

Next stop on the concert scene...DEF LEP!!

Hot Conversation

Me: "Damn, it's as hot as a witch's titty out here, which begs the question, how hot is a witch's titty?"

Scott: "Well, it really depends on how you classify a witch. Are witches descendents of hell, or are they the undead?"

Me: *shrug* "Spawns of Satan?"

Scott: "I don't think they are spawns of Satan per se. I think they are undead."

Me: "You can kill witches though...you can burn them..."

Scott: "You can kill Zombies, too, and they are undead."

Me: *shrugs, true*

Scott: "See, I think witches aren't really witches until they get past the age of normal living people, you know, like over 100. Until that point, they could just act like witches, and learn the craft..."

Me: "What about the girls in the movie, "The Craft"?"

Scott: "No, they are Wicca Witches, that doesn't count."

Me: "Oh, so real witches aren't made, they are born into it?"

Scott: "Something like that."

Me: "So, it's past down, maybe skip a generation..."

Scott: "Yeah, and when they reach a certain age, then you know they couldn't possibly be that old, and that's when they have proven they aren't real life people..."

Me: "Ah, they are undead!"

Scott: "Exactly!! And if you were so inclined as to feel the witch's titty, I bet it would be room temperature, or cold...not hot."

Me: "Ah, that explains it!!"

Scott: "But the expression is cold as a witch's titty."

Me: "It is? Oh, never mind then..."

What I Learned Over the Four Day Holiday

Ah, summer. Time for the sun, the cook outs, and a break from the icy winter months. Nothing says summer more than the Fourth of July!! Independence Day!! FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!

Here, for you my friends, are some things I learned this Independence Day.

1. When Laying in the Pool on a Floaty...WEAR SUNSCREEN!! I am still itching, and I burned a week ago!!

2. Sun Poisoning SUCKS!! When you are exposed to the sun for a long period of time, or, in my case, if you have a lot of body to expose to the sun, it really sucks to get burned...but it is twice as bad, when you get sun poisoning. Your skin blisters, your body starts tingling to the point you can't even concentrate, and...well, does there need to be an and?!? It sucks! Wear sunscreen you crazy loons!!

3. Lotion Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. I was laying in bed, tingling all over, my mind racing...I couldn't think straight, but I knew I needed the tingling to STOP!! I grabbed for the lotion, and proceeded to smear it all over. It didn't help. It just made me tingly and greasy.

4. Vitamin A and D Ointment Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. After the lotion fiasco, I went downstairs and searched the internet for home remedies. (Ok, smarty...go ahead and say Aloe at this point...I KNOW ALOE!! I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ALOE!!) So, I grab for the Vitamin A and D ointment. For those of you not in the know, this ointment is for diaper rash, I think, and it helps with the sting of tattoos. It's thick, it's slimy, and it stinks.

But I wasn't thinking straight.

I grabbed up that tube and began squirting that nasty mess all over me. Now I was:

Tingly

Greasy

AND Slimy.

You guessed it...the stuff didn't help.

5. A Hot Shower Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. In my continuing saga of the insane itchy tingly feeling, I read about taking a shower. But, this website (which I should have stopped trusting at this point!!) said to "take a hot shower because it will open the pores and remove dead skin."

What it didn't tell you was that a hot shower on a sunburned body also causes convulsions of pain akin to razors slicing your eyeballs!! If you've never had razors cut your eyeballs before, trust me, it sucks!! (not that I have, mind you, but come on...it's razors...on your EYEBALLS!!)

6. A Cold Shower DOES Help Sun Poisoning. Finally, I went against the advice of the website which vehemently advised against cold showers (as it would "close your pores and trap heat in") and I turned the flowing lava off of my shower, to straight cold. Ah, the cold water felt like I was rubbing a furry bunny on my chest and arms. Salvation at last!! I was under that cold water until my finger tips were wrinkly. When I got out, I didn't even need to dry off, as my burnt skin absorbed the water like a sponge. I quickly went to sleep, so as to avoid the pain again.

7. I Cannot Eat My Weight In Hamburger. I tried really hard...but could only manage 3 burgers!! I just can't put it away like I use to!!

8. I Need To Wear Shorts More. I wore shorts to several cookouts over the 4 day weekend. At every one, somebody asked: "Is that tattoo new?" For those of you not in the know, I have a shamrock on my calf...I got it last summer. I think I lost count at 5 people asking if it was new. Maybe I should wear shorts more...or talk to my relatives more...(Oh, and I need to wear shorts more, cause my legs are damn sexy!!)

9. Fireworks Are Cooler When You Light Them Yourself. I never liked fireworks much. They are loud, hurt my eyes, and are kinda dumb. However...when you set the fire to one personally, and watch it explode...very cool.

10. Fireworks Are NOT Cool at Midnight When You Have To Work The Next Day. Come on, people!! Don't you have jobs? QUIT WITH THE FIREWORKS AT MIDNIGHT!!

And Finally...

11. Kids Are Heavy When You Have to Throw Them Around In The Pool. I looked at the clock. it was 5 pm. I jumped in the pool. Five screaming kids choked me, grabbed my leg, pulled me down...I picked one up and threw him. Big mistake.

"Throw me, throw me!!" screamed the little kids.

So I did. And I threw them, and threw them, and threw them...for what seemed like forever. Finally, when the waves stopped, and Uncle Tony got out (after all the kids, I might add!!) I thought I had been in the pool for at least 3 hours. I looked at the clock.

6 PM!!

Damn, those kids wore me out.

There you have it. Things that I learned over the 4 day weekend...I guess I also learned that a weekend really CAN be too long, as I was ready to come back to work to escape the burn, and the heavy kids, and the 97 degree heat. I needed to come back to work so I could get some rest!!

Kings: Update

Kings Update:

WARNING: NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACHED!!

Today, I had a Kings casualty. I noticed a blister beneath one of my toe nails, and the toe nail was craked. I pulled the toe nail a little and the blister popped...and then the toe nail came clean off.

It was the Piggy that Stayed Home's Nail.

Poor toe nail, I will try to regrow you soon.

Tony-Phillipe - Hairdresser

I can do a few things well.

I'm pretty good at volleyball. I know my way around records. I can cook a mean Kraft Mac and Cheese. But when it comes to working with my hands, I'm no Bob Villa. I did make some excellent record shelves, but by-and-large, I'm not so good with my hands.


(My beautiful record shelves...top two rows)

For some reason unknown to me still, Becky decided she wanted me to highlight her hair. This is wrong on so many levels.

First: The above mentioned "not being good with my hands" thing.
Second: Big hands...small head...precise work. These things do not go together.
Third: I have no hair...why would I be good at doing hair, when I have no experience doing my own?
Fourth: I'M A GUY!! Ladies, don't ask a guy to do your hair if you want it to come out well. We just don't have the patience for it!!

Somehow, I'm still not sure how, she talked me into doing it. I prepared my tools.



I had the Revlon kit, the instructions, and some blue goo that ladies willingly put on their head. The instructions said: "Mix the powder into the conditioner until it's smooth, but don't over mix, because it could get too hot"...too hot? What is this stuff, acid?

But before I mixed, I had to put the little hat on Becky, and fish strands of hair out of what seemed like a million holes with what looked like a crochet needle. Yes, it was as fun as it sounds!!

The instructions said: "For muted highlights, pull hair out of every other hole." Unfortunately for me, I read that as, "Pull hair out of every hole." So, for the next hour, I was pulling strands, pulling strands, pulling strands.

Me: "I think I'm pulling out, too much."
Becky: "Yeah, way too much."
Me: "Why didn't you stop me."
Becky: "I don't know."

I re-read the directions, and realized my error. I had to pull the cap off, and begin all over. Every OTHER whole. I began again...pulling strands, pulling strands, pulling strands. Yes, still as fun as it sounds.

At this point, it was after 11 pm, and I was tired. But I knew I had to move on. I mixed the Blue Goo, and followed the instructions to put on the gloves, so my skin wouldn't touch the Goo.

This was where the problems began. The gloves, it seems, were made for a 5 year old girl...Unfortunately, my hands are slightly larger than that of a five year old girl. I tried to put them on, but only got about half way before I started freaking out because they were so tight on my fingers.

Me: Oh My God!! They won't go on, THEY WON'T GO ON!!

Becky: Calm down!

Me: But THEY WON'T GO ON!! AAARRRRGGGHHH! (This is where I went running out of the room screaming.)

Becky calmed me down and after a few more attempts to get the glove on, I finally forced in on, tearing it in the process. Oops!! I started brushing the hair strands with the Blue Goo. I tried to not put too much on, because of the burn warning. My hands were sweating because of the stupid tight gloves!! But I pushed on.

After the first application, her hair still looked brown, so I had to get down and dirty. I had to apply more Blue Goo with my tightly gloved fingers. I lathered it on heavy, coating every strand with Goo. It took forever!! I grabbed each strand and coated it individually. I wanted to do this right, so I really concentrated on something other than those gloves (oh, those horrible gloves).

When the Blue Goo was applied, we waited.



After an extremely long wait, Becky put down her BeatleFest magazine, and we rinsed. I think the final results are pretty good!!




Just call me Tony-Phillipe!! If you would like your hair dyed, just let me know...BUT BUY BIGGER GLOVES!!

Kings: Year 10

Volleyball hurts. It hurts my knees, it hurts my shoulder, it even hurts my pride sometimes. But I love it, and I don't see myself stopping the torture anytime soon. This past weekend was the 10th Annual Kings of the Gillespie Beach.

Ok, quick outline...Volleyball, 2 on 2, 8 players. Each person has to play a match with the other 7 players. The top 4 win/loss records goes to the finals, or the "Kings" round. My goal was simple...make the "Kings" round.

Eight warriors entered the day...Three time King Shannon Burch, Twice Kings Champion and co-founder Andy Gillespie, Co-King founder Scott Crank, Toby Paswater, Brian Wilhelm, Brian's friend Todd (who filled in for the Reigning King Hank Myers who couldn't be there because his priorities are in the wrong place - just kidding Hank!! - Myself a Co-founder and Two time King and the eighth spot was filled by the Grand Pooba of Kings, "Big D" Dave Gillespie. At age 56, and needing a complete hip replacement, Big D inspired the players to go out and do their best.

My first match was with the Veteran, Big D. Maybe it was the father/son doubles tournaments that we played in together, I don't know, but somehow, we managed to win. His only victory of the day...but it was good enough to leave him in 7th for the day. I went on to win 5 more matches, and loose just 1 in the pool play. I was in to the finals...for the 10th year in a row, I have made the round of "Kings".

Scott , who had only made the finals once in 10 tries was optimistic about the day, but realistic at the same time.

"I have 6 Gatorades in my cooler, 6 Cokes, 8 bottles of water, 6 beers, and if I go out early...a bottle of Vodka."

He didn't go out early. His fiery play dominated the field and he snuck into the finals in the 4th spot. Andy and Shannon rounded out the field, and the "Kings" round was set.

FIRST MATCH: ANDY-SCOTT vs TONY-SHANNON

Andy and Scott had just played the last match of the pool play together, so their chemistry was fresh. They also have years of experience playing together. But so do Shannon and I...so I knew this was going to be a close game. After Andy and Scott broke out to a big lead, Shannon and I recovered, but lost 22-20.

SECOND MATCH: ANDY-SHANNON vs TONY-SCOTT

Scott and I should have had the upper hand on this one, but my body was letting me down, and the serves just kept coming my way. I feel like I let Scott down, as we lost 21-16.

LAST MATCH: ANDY-TONY vs SCOTT-SHANNON

I thought we would win this match and Andy would become the champion. But an onslaught of serves my way, and a few mistakes cost Andy the crown, as we lost 21-17, and the title went to Shannon.

In the end, Shannon took the crown by just a few points, but he modestly declared he didn't deserve it, as Scott played the best ball all day long. Shannon was right, Scott played incredible. But the trophy goes to Shannon for another year.

In the end 8 players began, 4 made the "Kings" round, and 1 was crowned King. In other math related news, I counted 9 blisters on my toes. NINE!!

My knees look like baseballs (very soft squishy baseballs) and they feel like they have nails driven in them. My shoulder hurts, my legs hurt...but I would do it all over again...in the name of volleyball, and in pursuit to become the "King".

Devil Party 6/6/06

My friend Shannon is the devil.

Well, I should explain he isn't really the devil, but he does have the dubious distinction of having been born on the day of the devil...June 6th, which we all know this year made the date 6/6/06. What better way to celebrate this once in a lifetime date, than with a devil party!!

The first step was transforming the basement of Shannon's house into Satan's Lair.



Basement Before:


Basement After:

(Special thanks to Rob Zombie for standing in the corner all night!!)

Becky and I prepared ourselves, and headed out to the great event...




(Cape made by the talented Becky).


(The Lovely - and talented - Becky)

We arrived at 6:06 and proceeded to party down to a mix of Devilish tunes:

Devil Inside...Running With the Devil...Shout at the Devil...Devil Went Down to Georgia (which is a great tune to "Lord of the Dance" to)...Sympathy for the Devil...Ok, you get the picture.

The guests arrived in their various Devil attire.


(Brian and Christy sporting their Me So Horny
shirts...guess the honeymoon isn't over for these
crazy kids!!)


(Toby sporting an AC/DC shirt with Rob. Either
Rob is extremely short, or Toby is 8 feet tall!!)




(Ella and Jason came with HOT shirts on)


(And Shannon, the birthday boy, dressed as
Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots...I
guess he thought he was devilish.)

The party was awesome for several hours. We did some things that should not be repeated to the world (you know, secret sacrifice things). I can't show you very many other pictures, cause I don't want to embarrass anyone who was at the party (and because I know there are some real crazy pictures of me out there, and I need to "scratch their backs" so they don't put a knife in mine if you know what I mean!!)

Let's just leave it at this:



(Scott Weiland - I mean Shannon, Brian, Toby,
Me, FRONT: Rob Zombie)

6/6/06

Have a Devil of a day!!

Drug Problem # 2

If anyone knows what this sign means, please let me know!!



(Sign on the side of a flower store.)

And I thought THIS was bad!!

The Dangling Item

There are only a few good things about going to work. Ok, maybe there isn't anything good about going to work, but one good thing at work is the Office Vending Machine.

Ah, the vending machine...providing me with a little something on the maid's day off, or, more appropriately, on the mornings I get up so late I forget to grab a Toaster Pastry. The Office Vending Machine also is a good topic of conversation:

"Hey, Mike, did you see there are Powdered Donuts behind the Danish Roll?"

"Damn, I need to find someone to buy that Danish Roll!!" (NOTE: Fat chance of that, Mike!!)

Today, as the day was winding down, I decided to grab a candy bar from the Vending Machine, you know, just to take the edge off...I can quit anytime I want!! Anyway, as I scanned the Vending Machine for the 3 Musketeer bars, I noticed every Vending Machine snacker's dream.

The dangling item.

Oh, yeah, you know what I mean. The dangling item occurs when the poor fool before you inserts their money, only to watch in horror as the coil twists, and said selection gets stuck before it falls to the tray below. The selection in question...Hostess Twinkies.

Mmmm...Twinkies.

Seeing the dangling item, I acted fast. I quickly surveyed the breakroom to see if anyone was around. I was in luck...no one was even lurking in the hallway. I put my hand on the top of the machine, tipped it off the ground a few inches, and let it careen to the floor. The whole machine rattled, but the Twinkies held their ground.

I repeated my gameplan a few more times.

Look, lift, drop, repeat.

Same results.

Knowing that Twinkie was stuck for good, I had to make a quick decision. I could either:

1. Let that Twinkie dangle, get the 3 Musketeer and be happy with my lower calorie decision.

or

2. Go for the double. Buy one Twinkie and get the second one free.

I should have went with the lower calorie 3 Musketeer, because, as you know, it now has half the fat...but I didn't.

I did the double.

I took my two packages of Twinkies back to the office, ate a pack, and put one back for later. Now I have heartburn, probably well deserved, but who can resist the Dangling Item??

So You Want To Be a Rock and Roll Star

I knew it was bound to happen. Somewhere, somehow, and, most importantly, sometime. Bedford was the somewhere, and the sometime was Saturday, May 13th.

I became a rock 'n roller.

Becky, my friend Toby, and I traveled way down south, to Bedford to watch Bad Monkey perform. (For those of you not in the know, Bad Monkey is a Smokin' Hot band from the Columbus, Indiana area consisting of Dan Stadtmiller on lead vocals and guitar, Hiram Davis on vocals and guitar, Travis on the drums, and Double D...Doug Dishman on bass.)

Soon after arriving, Dan began his usual inquiry about me performing a song with them. Of course, I always would make like the Magic 8 Ball and say "Maybe", "Ask again later", and "Outlook Not Good." On that night, however, "All Signs Pointed to Yes."

In the middle of the second set, I could see Dan was having a little trouble battling a bout of Bronchitis. His vocals were good, but not the normal strong vocals I was accustomed to hearing. Then, my moment came.

Dan: "Man, I'm dyin' up here, people. I'm gonna need a little help on this next number. Tony Gillespie, buddy, I need you to sing this one."

Me: Looking shocked and surprised - "Wha? Me? What song?"

Dan: "Hey Joe."

I pushed the chair back and walked to the stage to perform Jimi Hendrix's first single from 1966, "Hey Joe."

Hiram tore out the opening riff, and I was off. I made it through the first verse pretty well. I forgot my place once, but was able to fake it through...no one noticed. I had trouble figuring out where to come in on the second verse due to the extended solo Hiram was lying down, but I jumped in and finished the tune up strong.

My first real performance! (NOTE: Gillespie: Unplugged and Red Faced on Red House do not technically qualify because, while a lot of people were present, they weren't actual paid gigs for me ... no this one wasn't, either, but it was for Bad Monkey...you get the idea.)

I received some positive feedback from the crowd, and I felt great to be able to have the confidence to even try it. I credit Dan for that. Overall, I think I did alright!!

But, please, no autographs!!

Black Dress Blues: UPDATE!!

I don't like to leave you guys hangin' ... I decided to take a visual poll to see how many guests at the wedding wore black dresses, just to see if it is as "faux paus" as Becky had thought it to be.

Here are the results:

Total # of women wearing black dresses to the wedding: 15 *

Oh yeah, I guess black is the new...um, whatever color people use to wear to weddings!!

(* results not typical. 15 black dress total based on a Catholic wedding in 2006 with a full house of guests. Women were looked at based solely on their dress color...because why else would I look at a woman?)

I Pity the Fool

My cousin, Scott, works at a college. I'm not at liberty to say which one, not because I shouldn't, just because I don't think it's important. Anyway, he does some financial aid stuff there, and he decided one day to make a little inspirational poster for the college.



(For those of you not in the know,
this handsome fella is Mr. T, who was
on a show called "The A Team"
in the '80's . I removed the school's
name from the form he's holding, to
protect the innocent...or in this case,
Scott.)

Well, a co-worker was looking one day for a good marketing scheme to help get the students motivated to accel, so Scott offered up the Mr. T poster. Underneath Mr. T was a blurb that read:

Be a part of the "A" Team!! Join ... (information about the college).

The picture was hilarious in itself, but I pointed out the irony of a school having a poster up that obviously had improper grammar in it. Scott's answer to that made me laugh so hard, I about chocked...

Me: "Don't you think it's bad for the poster to say "I pity the fool, who DON'T stay in school?"

Scott: "Mr T claims poetic license, fool !!"

Man, that's funny...

Congrats!!

Black Dress Blues

There are some stead-fast rules when it comes to fashion. I'm not sure what they are, cause I'm a guy, but I know a few:

1. Never wear white after labor day.
2. Don't mix stripes and plaids.
3. Don't wear your underwear on the outside of your pants (unless you're a superhero)


4. And, if you're a girl, never wear black to a wedding.

Ok, I understand most of these rules (except the lame Labor Day one), but I wanted to dispel the rumor that a woman can't wear black to a wedding.

Why is this a rule? Well, I looked it up, and it seems wearing black to a wedding is considered bad luck to the bride and groom (except for Chinese/Korean weddings, where it is bad luck to wear white...the bride in these cultures usually opts to be draped in a red dress, or a dress made of egg rolls.)

In trying to pick out a dress to wear to my friend Brian's upcoming wedding, Becky pulled a black dress from the closet, and proceeded to ask what I thought about it.

I thought it looked great!!

"But, it's black, and I can't wear black to a wedding!!"

Or could she?

I told her I would take a poll at work to figure out if black was appropriate for a wedding. I strolled over to the Accounting department, which housed the highest concentration of women, and began to bounce from desk to desk asking the simple question:

Is it ok for a woman to wear a black dress to a wedding?

The most common response was, "Is this woman the bride?" To which I would hit them over the head with my clipboard and proclaim them "Queen of the Idiots."

After I polled 11 people, the numbers were staggering:

Yes, it is Ok for a woman to wear a black dress to a wedding = 9

No, it isn't Ok for a woman to wear a black dress to a wedding = 2

The black dress wins!!

The evidence was overwhelmingly in favor of the black dress. I noted that the two NO votes came from woman over age 50, while a majority of the YES votes came from younger women. Maybe it's just a generation thing. Maybe the stigma has faded. Maybe black is the new "It" color for weddings. Maybe I work with a bunch of Marilyn Manson fans.



Friday night, I took my polling data to Becky, so she would know it was indeed acceptable to wear black to a wedding.

Friday night, we went and bought a green dress.

I guess sometimes popular opinion just doesn't matter.

Hold 'Em

The popularity of Texas Hold 'Em Poker is gi-normous right now. You can't even flip through the tv channels without seeing at least 5 different channels featuring the high stakes competitions. Saturday, I was invited to a Hold 'Em game, and I was ready to clean house!!

Many of you faithful readers will remember my previous articleThe Final Table , but that was just a game with family members...this was to be my first REAL competition.

The buy in was $20, which in turn gave you $20 in chips. Once you were out, you could re-buy in, and you could cash out any time. Unlike the previous competitions, this time, you played til you wanted to leave...and took home (or left behind) whatever amount you ended with.

Five players butted up to the table at around 7 pm...After about 4 hours of play, we had our first casualty. I don't recall his name, but I knew him as Crown Royal because it was his drink of choice. A fierce competitor, Crown Royal was down to his final 3.25 before he made his comeback. He called it quits, and cashed out even for the night.

It was down to four.

To my left sat a real high roller named, um, well, I don't recall his name, either, but I think it was John or Josh or something with a "J". For this post, we'll call him J. Now J was the most calculating player on the table. He was tight with his cards, playing a strong, yet conservative game. All night long I starred jealously at his two stacks of chips...one stack was the $20 he began with, the other was the $20 or more he had won.

Across the table was the game's host, Steve. His style was a bit more loose. He would pay to see the flop on a 7/2 off suit (I know, he beat me with it once!!) His stack was fairly consistent all night.

To my right was my friend Toby. By far the loosest player in the game, Toby won some, and lost some, but always did it with a smile.

We traded money for several hours. At around midnight, I was seriously short stacked. With a Queen/4 off suit, and a Queen on the board, I pushed all in. Steve followed, and we flipped our cards. My pair of Queens layed with about a 1% chance of winning over Steve's cards...he had a pair of 2's, and one on the turn made a set.With one card coming, I had only 2 cards that could save me. The Queen of hearts, and the Queen of clubs.

I held my breath as Toby flipped the card.

Queen of Hearts!!I was saved on the river. I was back in the game!!

A half hour later, I had busted out. I bought back in for $10, and around 2:00 that was going fast as well. Toby gave me some sage advice..."Always buy back in BEFORE you bust out." With a few dollars left, I did just that and bought in for another $10.J was gone at this point, cashing out with $20 in one pile, and $20 in the other.

Steve, Toby and I played until a little after 3:00 am. When the chips stopped falling, Toby's advice paid off. I cashed in $37 dollars in chips, which meant I only lost $3 on the night. Steve was even, and Toby was down a little over $20, but he was still smiling...what a guy!!

It was a blast playing, trying to figure out the tells of the other players, and in the end, I walked away with a new respect for the game (which isn't as easy as I thought!!) and with the desire to pull up to the table again in the future.

Huh

Maybe it IS true, what they say...

42,000

Becky: "Ugh, your forehead is filthy."

Me: "Ok."

Becky: "You really should wash your face more often."

Me: "Yeah, I probably should."

Becky: "You know that for night you go to bed without washing your face, your skin ages seven years?"

Me: "Seven years? That doesn't sound right...you sure it isn't seven days?"

Becky: "No, I'm pretty sure it's seven years."

Me: "Well, that means if I didn't wash my face an average of 300 times a year, for 20 years, that makes me 42,000 years old!!"

Becky: "No."

Me: "20 years, times 300 days, times 7 years per night equals 42,000."

Becky: "YOU aren't 42,000 years old, but your face is!!"

CHAMPIONS

11 teams entered...one team leaves.

Congratulations are in order for my wonderful team on a job well done, not only in winning the Greensburg Co-Ed Volleyball League (48-12), but also for showing so much heart in winning the Greensburg Co-ed Volleyball League Tournament, despite only having 5 people.

Not only did we win it, we owned it, going a staggering 12-0.

Even though you guys may never read this, Brian, Andy, Ella, Becky...congrats on one of the best tourneys I've ever been a part of...and to Teri, Nancy, and, of course, Big D, thanks for helping make this the best season we've ever had, while faces the best opponents the league has ever seen.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS !!



(Special thanks to Hank, who "let" me block him twice in the semi-finals...your team deserves a lot of credit, too, for matching our 48-12 record during the season, but coming up just a little short on points, which gave us the title. Great season!!)

Failure to (Get the Movie) Launch (ed)

I like the rain. It soothes, it cleanses, it smells good, it washes my car...

In Indiana, we have a lot of storms. Some tame, some extremely not tame. Friday, the 31st, we had one such "not tame" storm. Hurricanes blew through a few towns, and virtually all of Indiana was blanketed in thunderstorms.

Before the storms began, Becky and I decided it would be fun to go to the movies. She picked out the flick and the time (cause I'm too lazy) and it was settled. Failure to Launch, 7:10 pm.


(Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey
Failure to Launch)

We found our seats, sat through a half hour of previews, and began laughing at the movie. At about 8:15, the sound cut out of the movie. People were beginning to shift in their seats. This went on for about 5 minutes before the movie cut out completely.

A girl with a red hat and tie came in and walked quickly to the front of the theatre.

"There is a tornado WARNING, everyone needs to leave the theatre immediately!!"

Before we could react, a second theatre employee came in, flapping his arms while he repeated "NO NO NO..."

They both left, which caused an uneasy feeling in my fellow movie goers. What do we do? Stay? Go?

Suddenly, a short, thin employee entered the theatre, and announced, with a Chris Farley voice:


(Chris Farley as Matt Foley - motivational speaker
the theatre guy sounded like him, but never mentioned a
"Van down by the River.")

"Everybody needs to calm down!! There is a Tornado Warning until 8:45 pm!! Do not leave the theatre!! Everybody needs to get against the wall!!" (Sorry for going all willy-nilly with the exclamation points, but he was pretty adamant!!)

People began to whip out their cell phones as the scurried to the sides of the theatre. Becky and I remained in our seats. I figured I could always get under the theatre seats if anything began falling. Becky said I wouldn't fit, which almost prompted me to demonstrate that I would, but the floor was sticky, and it felt unnecessary.

At 8:35, Farley re-entered the room, and told us the movie was about to restart. This was met with glee as everyone began filling their seats once more. The crowd complained about the missing 5 minutes of movie, and asked if the film would be "rewound."

(NOTE: For those of you not in the know, movies come in 5 or more small reels. These reels are then spliced together into one giant reel. Through an intricate process, the movie feeds through a "Brain" and then through the camera. IT CANNOT BE REWOUND without messing us the brain, and whatnot. It's not a dvd up there, it's a big bunch of film that is a pain when broken, or worse, dropped.)

When everyone was in their seats, the lights began to dim, and then we heard the Tornado Sirens blaring once again. The lights came back up, and Farley came in to break the news.

"There is another Tornado Warning until 9:30!! You can leave, but it is at your own will!! Everyone needs to get against the wall!!" (apparently, they HAVE to shut off the movie during severe weather, so as not to "keep us in the dark" about the severe weather.)

We stayed, because we have nothing better to do on a Friday night, and besides, we were cracking up laughing at these people who had apparently never been in a storm before. (NOTE: we were NOT laughing at the people who lost their houses or worse in this or any storm...that is all.)

Finally at 9:30, the movie cranked up again to our delight. People complained about the movie not being "rewound" and were told to see the manager after the show. Come on, people!! This isn't a complex plot here...how hard is it to figure out what happened in those 5 minutes of silence?

At 10:30, the movie was over...3 and a half hours, and we didn't even see Titanic or Green Mile!! We were content to leave, but we saw the "re-whiners" up getting free passes, so I got in line and picked up a couple, too. Why not? Did I mention the movie was quite funny? It was.

(Oh, I would also like to give a special thanks to the theatre employee with the broom who stood in our theatre during the entire delay...guarding and protecting us with his mighty cleaning spear!! He didn't say anything, but wow, I would have been terrified if not for him.)

Drug Problem

I know Indiana has a bit of a drug problem, but this has crossed the line!!

Toilet Troubles

Plumbing...not my strong suit. Actually, many who know me, know I'm not a very handy guy at all. My fix-it-yourself prowless usually consists of dialing the phone, and asking dad to come over so he can fix my problem.

This time I decided to do it myself, and let dad enjoy his Sunday morning...and afternoon...I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

I have one of these in my toilet tank:



It's your classic float ball set-up. Well, many months earlier I purchased a unit to replace it, as shown below:



Behold the FLUID MASTER!! It's just a better mousetrap. Well, because I'm known to procrastinate, I never replaced the old set-up, and things were going fine...until the night of the party (Gillespie:Unplugged )

Now, I don't want to go blaming anyone for "breaking" the toilet, because truth be told, the flush valve was hooked to the flush handle with a piece of plastic, which just broke...so, Sue, I will not bring up the party responsible in any fashion whatsoever, because, Sue, it could have happened to anyone.

So, anyway, Becky told me the toliet was broken at the beginning of the party. I was able to rig it up to still flush, cautiously, and it made it through the night. Sunday, after I cleaned up the aftermath of the party, I decided to upgrade to the Fluid Master.

Should only take about 20 minutes, right?

Step 1: Turn off water. Check.
Step 2: Empty tank completely. Check.
Step 3: Remove old fill valve.

It was step three. Damn step three. I was twisting that fill valve for all I was worth, and it was NOT budging. I twisted and turned and pulled. No dice. I put the wrench in the toilet tank and twisted. That's when I heard a crack...I broke the overflow tube...cracked it right off.


(overflow tube: white tube. Flush Valve: Red thingy, technical term of course)

After a few minutes of cussing and slamming things, I discovered what most of you probably already know...there is a lock nut under the toilet tank. I tried to loosen it up, but again, no luck. I did the only thing I could think of...I took the whole toilet tank off, turned it upside down, and unscrewed the lock nut. (Bet you thought I was going to say "I called my dad" don't you!!)

I finally removed the old fill valve, replaced it with the Fluid Master, and made a trip to Lowe's to replace the broken overflow tube and flush valve. I return home, replace the broken parts, and hand tighten things up per directions, so as not to "crack the porcelein." I reattached the tank to the toilet, and the water supply line.

I went down and turned the water back on, and ran upstairs to find the water line spewing water!! I ran back down, turned the water back off, ran back upstairs, emptied the tank again, and tightened the lock nut WITH THE WRENCH and the supply line WITH THE WRENCH...screw this hand tightening crap.

Another trip to turn the water back on...SUCCESS!!

Or so I thought.

A few hours later, I saw a little water leaking...from the replaced flush valve UNDER THE TANK!! That's right, folks, I had to turn off the water AGAIN, empty the tank AGAIN, remove the tank AGAIN and tighten the flush valve lock nut. I reassembled, turned the water back on and I'll be a monkey's uncle...it still leaked!!

Turn off the water...
Empty tank...
Remove the tank...
Tighten lock nut WITH WRENCH...
Return tank...
Turn water back on...

This time, it was fine.

THREE HOURS LATER!!!!!!!! Yes, Sue, it only cost $5, but it took me 3 HOURS...not that I'm blaming Sue, of course, cause it could have happened to anybody.

Next time, I think I'll call Dad.

Gillespie: Unplugged

The Date: March 25, 2006
The Time: 7:00pm (Ok, the music started at 9:15)
The Place: El Casa de Gillespie
The Event: Gillespie Unplugged

The stage was set...

The microphone was in place...

And soon, the concert began...

(That's me, singing "Mr. Jones" by the Counting Crows)

The concert was postponed by more than an hour, as we waited for a few last people to arrive, but then the show started. Before I took the stage, Chris Johnson, my friend from the Class of '95, took the mic, and proceeded to warm the crowd up with a heart-warming tale from our childhood. (Thanks, Chris!!) And then, the show began...

I started with a song for the Class of '95, some of whom were in attendance. I managed not too mess up Better Than Ezra's "Good", before moving on to the above mentioned "Mr. Jones." That's were the trouble began.

Right in the middle of the chorus, I started singing the wrong words, and I froze. I managed to start again, but my confidence was shot. I shed the sweater, and soldiered on.

(Me, having recovered...)

More songs were sung, laughs were had. I past the guitar over to my good friend Big Daddy Staddy, (Dan Stadtmiller of the most kick assin'est band in Columbus, Bad Monkey) and he played some tunes, while the whole party sang along.

(Me and Freaky von Teaky, (Brian Wilhelm) singing Dead or Alive...Big Daddy Staddy on the axe)

As Dan played, we had some guest singers...Brian (above) and the lovely and talented Ella Hoke(below).

(Ella wowing the crowd as Burchie (Shannon Burch) looks on, and sings along)

Then, we danced...

(Me and Ella doing the Jimmy Fallon dance)

And toasted the evening...

(Toasting the night)

Fun was had by all, I hope. If you were there, post me a comment...and most of all, thanks for coming and rockin' out!!

(Special thanks to Big Daddy Staddy for the great tunes while I danced like a fool!!...and mixin' up the great drinks...and making the invitations...WHAT A GREAT GUY!!)

(Also, special thanks to my beautiful bartender, Becky, who slung the drinks like a pro!!)