The Results Show!!!

(CROWD ROARS AS HOST ENTERS THE ROOM)

Host: Hello, and welcome to GUESS THE NUMBER OF LP'S IN TONY'S COLLECTION!! The results are in, and we have broken another record for the highest number of Blog Comments with over 20!!!

(CROWD CHEERS WILDLY)

Host: In a minute we will get to the results, but first a few announcements. We here at Get Out Of Life Alive would like to thank everyone for their votes, it's nice to know that more than 2 people are actually reading the blog!!

Next, I would like to just tell everyone that, even if you didn't win a prize, you should all feel like winners...after all, you did make it this far!!

Ok, now it's time to reveal the winning number in the LP contest, along with our 3 winners!! The actual amount of LP's in Tony's Collection is...

REVEALED AFTER THIS BREAK!!

(CROWD MOANS AND BOOS)


(Shameless Plug of an Item That I Like) I know none of you have probably ever heard of this guy, or of this CD, but it is awesome to the 10th degree, and I highly recommend you go to Amazon.com and buy it right away...it only costs a penny plus 2.49 shipping on Amazon, so you really should just go there and get a copy, and thank me later!!

Josh Clayton Felt - Spirit Touches Ground



Host: Ok, we're back!! Now it's time to reveal the exact number of LP's in the Record Collection!!

(CROWD CHEERS)

The exact number of LP's is...(HOST OPENS ENVELOPE)

1,769

Here are the final totals:

21st Place: Lead Singer and guitar player for Pax Astra, Wyatt Knox voted 3 Billion!!

He was off by 2,999,998,231.

20th Place: Sue M. from Batesville voted 3,000. She was off by 1,231.

19th Place: My cuz Juli voted 769, and was off by 1,000 exactly.

18th Place: Chris J. from Bloomington voted 2,666. He missed by 897.

17th Place: Freaky von Teaky voted 2,636. He was off by 867.

16th Place: Jenny from the hilariously contagious Run Jen Run blog voted 967 and was 802 off.

15th Place: Jean, my friend down south voted 1,018, and missed by 751.

14th Place: Kristy from the 'Burg guessed 1,092 and was 677 off.

13th Place: Jaime from Bloomington scientifically voted 1,152...but was off by 617. (Ironic you came in 13th, cause I remember once in 6th grade we had to pick numbers in History or some such class, and you took 13...I remember, because it's always been my lucky number and you took it from me!! I was mad, but I forgive you now...Peace rules!! War drools!!)

12th Place: Boyce voted 1,190. He missed by 579.

11th Place: (and also his volleyball number) Crank 11...Dr Phil's cousin...took on the day with a vote of 2,325. He missed by 556.

10th Place: Deb C. voted 1,243. She was off by 526.

9th Place: Teri from Milan voted 1,298, missing by 471.

8th Place: Deez (of the famous Nutz family) voted 1,335. He missed by 434.

7th Place: Foley (a co-worker of Kirk) answered 1,400. Sorry, Foley, you came in last in your office pool...you missed by 369.

6th Place: Dani (daughter of 9th Place finisher Teri) voted 1,409 and easily defeated her mom's vote, missing by 360.

5th Place: Mike (another co-worker of Kirk's) voted 1,912. He barely missed the prizes with a guess that was 143 off. 2nd in the office pool isn't bad...unless your co-worker wins a prize!!

4th Place: Andi voted 1,890, and was only 121 records off!! Great vote!!


3rd Place...



Kirk was only 100 records off!! Ironically, so was the 2nd place winner, but since the 2nd place winner's entry came in before Kirk's (and because I'm too cheap to buy a second copy of Crossroads), Kirk will be receiving the 3rd place prize. Kirk, if you really had your heart set on a VHS Crossroads, I'll hook you up, brotha!!

2nd Place...



Emily was also 100 records off, but what makes it even more incredible was the fact that she was the first to vote!! Having no other votes to go off of, Em came thisclose to winning the whole thing. If Purdue were only founded a little bit earlier!! Congrats,Emily!!

1st Place...



That's right, my homegirl, Amanda was the only person to vote in the 1,700's and was an incredible, an astonishing, an unbelievable 17 records away from hitting a bulls-eye and getting the in house concert!!

17!!! Take that, suckas!!

Congratulations to all the winners, and better luck next time to all the non-winners. Be sure to check back for more exciting stories and contests at Get Out of Life Alive!! Make sure you buy Josh Clayton Felt's CD, visit Pax Astra and Run Jen Run (by clicking on their names in this post) and have you pets spayed or neutered!!

Gillespie OUT!!

Last of the Two-A-Days

Ok, kids!! I did it!! Two-A-Days are over!! You got your 10 posts in 5 days, and while technically this post is kinda lame, it's still a post. I didn't promise you Stephen King novellas, or fanciful poems ala Keats, now did I?

Anyway, it's been a real treat to keep the posts up, and I will try to do better in the future, I promise!! You are just going to have to make do with these 10 until Monday, when I will reveil the winner of the awesome Guess the Number of LP's Contest!! Which, by the way, if you haven't entered, do it now!! (And if you already have entered, a thousand thanks!!)

(PS, Hank, you need a better guess than "ALL OF THEM." While technically correct, I just won't accept that answer!!)

GUESS THE NUMBER OF RECORDS IN MY COLLECTION CONTEST

Keep reading, and I'll keep writing!!

Tell Them What They've Won!!! (Or, Will Win!!)

Ready to know what great prizes are in store for the winner of my contest?!?

Ok, here we go!!

3RD PRIZE!!



Awesome radio station give aways!! Three, count 'em, THREE magnets, a CD opener and a keychain!!

2ND PRIZE!!



Ralph Macchio (YES, DANIEL SAN FROM KARATE KID!!) in a gently used VHS copy of CROSSROADS!! (Not to be confused with Crossroads with Britney Spears...sorry!!)

1ST PRIZE!!


Your very own, custom made GET OUT OF LIFE ALIVE TEE SHIRT!! Be the envy of all your friends with this amazing one of a kind (well, 2 of a kind, cause the one in the pic is mine!!) tee shirt showing off your favorite blog!!

GRAND PRIZE!!

If anyone gets the number EXACTLY right, I will give them a private accoustic concert in their home, for them and their guests!! (I apologize in advance if you've seen me play and you get the number right!! If you haven't seen me play and you get the number right you are in for a treat!!)

So, those are the prize...what were you expecting, a new car?!?

It's The Little Things

Everybody who knows me, knows I have a lot of weird "quirks," I have a lot of odd phoebias, and, in general, I'm just a strange kinda guy. I've probably even mentioned a few a time or two on this blog. Well, and I mean no disrespect, one of my phoebias is "Little People."

(Ed. Note...I apologize in advance if the term Little People is no longer the accepted norm.)

I could spend this post discussing what is bothersome about them to me, but I would rather just relay a story, so here goes.

It was Summer 2002, and Becky and I decide to have our very first yard sale. Being a self proclaimed "Pack Rat" the yard sale was quite a large one filled with numerous items that Becky had finally convinced me it was time to part with. At one point in the sale, Becky left to pick up some lunch, and that's when it happened...when I was all alone.

Next door to us is a rental house which rotates it's renters on a fairly regular basis. So much so, we really don't try to get to know the neighbors, cause in reality, they are never there long enough to try to get to know. From the neighbors yard I could hear a voice, but when I looked across the stone fence, I could see no one talking...

Around the corner came my neighbor...a "little person." I didn't know what to do. I crossed my fingers that she wouldn't buy anything, and that in a few short minutes, the experience would be over. But, of course, it didn't happen that way. You see, this neighbor of mine was very vocal, and wasn't shy to ask questions...ABOUT EVERYTHING!!

"Hey, how much is this basket?"

"Hey, can you get this shirt down for me?"

"Hey, does this tv work?"

I almost think she could sense that I was afraid...she could smell the cold sweat that was begining to form. And she loved it!! She loved making me sweat!

I tried my very best to be polite and to answer all her questions. Just when I was to the point of passing out, she let up.

"I'll take this shirt" she said, extending her arm towards me clutching a tie-dyed shirt.

At this point, exhausted, drenched in sweat, and quite honestly not wanting to deal with the situation, I did the only thing I could.

I gave her the shirt...smiled...and collapsed in the chair as she walked away.

In Search of the Perfect Game

I wasn't even suppose to ref last night.

Circumstances as they were, I was left blowing the whistle in my seventh game of the night. The first 6 went rather smoothly, but it was this seventh game that I will remember.

After a quick two points, there was a side-out, and she took the ball back to serve. I don't know her name, but I remember wondering if she could even get the ball over the net. She couldn't have stood taller than 5 foot 2, and that is being generous. I blew the whistle, she threw the ball up and smacked it over the net with ease. The ball fell to the ground for a point.

Point after point she mechanically threw the ball up, and made her mighty heave at it. There was nothing overly special about the serve, but for some reason, the other team couldn't seem to return it. And when they did, the server's team always had an answer.

8-2...9-2...10-2

The game goes to 21, and I thought to myself, "at what point do I start to wonder if she can serve the whole game?"

11-2, 12-2, 13-2

With every toss, my mind wondered if this would be the time it happened...in 16 years of playing, I have never seen anyone serve the entire game. I almost did it once, when the games were to 15. But I only made it to 13, and it was at St Paul, a notorious gym whose motto is "It's All Legal in St Paul." So, that wouldn't have counted even if I had succeeded.

14-2...15-2...16-2

I think she's going to do it!!

Time out was called. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not only did this girl have the baseball equivalent to a perfect game going, but she also seemed oblivious to the fact. And so did her team. They huddled up, said "let's keep the pressure on" and without so much as a smile, or a massage to the server's shoulder, they took their spots. It was almost like the score was close, and they didn't realize that perfection was within their grasps.

17-2...18-2...19-2

It was still too unreal to be real!! With every play, I tried to keep my composure, and tried to call everything I saw, doing my best to be impartial as the official. Truth is, there were no close calls. The server smacked the ball over, and her and her team took care of business. The other team had no answer. What could they do?

Hit it over on one...it didn't work.

Dink...nope.

Corners, line, angle? No, nadda, nothin'.

20-2

This was it. She was one serve away!! I was excited, the other team was frustrated, and still, her team seemed unaware. As she threw the ball up, I just knew it was going to go in the net, or out of bounds...but surprisingly, it didn't.

It sailed over the net, off the opposing player's arms, and out of bounds.

21-2!!

She did it! The perfect game. I'm still a little shocked that it could actually happen, but it did. After the match, I told her congrats, and that it was the first time I've ever seen it. Still, she only broke into a small smile as she thanked me...I still don't think they realized how difficult that really was!!

And I wasn't even suppose to ref last night!! Thank goodness I did!

Puke Train ...Next Stop, Hurlsville!!

Like the finely tuned athlete that I am, I will continue to soldier on with these dreaded 2-A-Days, even though my memory banks are slowly emptying. Here's a story from the vaults that you all may like, or you all may hate...just read it!!

Some things are straight up disgusting, yet some people can still somehow do them with grace. It's always gross to hear someone blow their nose, yet some people can do it discreetly, without notice. However, there is one thing no one can do gracefully...

...and that is hurl.

This is my tribute to the grossest, yet most hilarious hurling story I've ever heard, or witnessed first hand. If you get squeeming by this sort of thing, come back tomorrow for more stories and/or tales.

Back in the 90's, when I was a younger, teenaged lad, my brother Andy and my cousin Scott would go over to my grandma's house on the weekend sometimes and stay with her. She's super cool, and we liked hanging out with her, watching movies and reaping the benefits of her excellent cooking. On one faithful Friday night, another of my cousins, Jeffrey, decided to come over and stay.

It wasn't long after Grandma went to bed, that Jeffrey followed suit. The rest of us stayed up watching movies, and drinking high amounts of sugary soda. What happened next will live with me for as long as I live.

I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich...bologna, cheese and tomato, if you are keeping score at home. Out of the bedroom came a confused and bewildered Jeffrey, obviously still asleep. He had his hands cupped, and he was carrying some of his own vomit. Yes, dear readers, this is gross enough, but it gets worse...oh, so much worse.

The bedroom connected to the kitchen via a hallway. In that hallway, was the bathroom. Jeffrey, being asleep, completely passed up the bathroom and made his way into the kitchen. Scott and Andy saw what was going on and pleaded with Jeffrey to "Go to the bathroom!! Go to the bathroom!!" But the cries fell on Jeffrey's sleeping ears and he trucked at a faster pace into the kitchen.

At this point, Jeffrey opened his cupped hands, dropping the puke onto the floor, where he proceeded to step in it, sending him straight up into the air and flat on his back...like Daniel Stern in Home Alone. Splat!! Puke splattered in every direction, including across the kitchen, and onto my leg.

"GO TO THE BATHROOM!!" they cried from the living room, but the Puke Train was comin' around the bend, and nothing was gonna stop it from pulling through the station!!

Think it can't get any worse? Well...

Jeffrey was about to blow chunks, and at this point in the story, he had the presence of mind to grab something to puke into...and it was a box of kitchen wares that grandma had packed on-account-a she was gettin' ready to move!!

My poor grandma!! She came out of her bedroom and saw the chunks being blown onto her dishes, and what-nots. She called for Jeffrey to go to the bathroom, and this time, he listened. She then spent the next hour washing everything in that box as a stunned Andy and Scott looked on...

...and I ate my bologna, cheese and tomato sandwich.

The Beast...JR!!

Back in October, i force fed you some pictures of The Beast, a massive 7 foot giant of a display case that I had to wrestle from an auction to my basement.

Well, in July, almost exactly 9 months after we brought the Beast home, we welcomed a new display case into our family.

Beast, Jr!!


(front view of Beast Jr...sorry the picture is blurry)

After having seen an auction advertising a "Hall Mark-esqe" store closing down, we decided to go and see what they had to offer. I like collectables, Becky's into Kim Anderson figurines, so we went.


(small sampling of Becky's Kim Anderson Pretty as a Picture Collection)

When we arrived, it was hotter than hot outside, and only slightly cooler inside. We saw a small lot of Kim Anderson figurines, so we decided to stay, despite the heat. Little did we know at the time, but a Beast lurked inside.

(Ok, we knew going in that the display case was for sale, but I was trying to add some dramatic effect!!)

The tables outside were going rather quickly, but the heat of the day was slowly kicking my behind!! I pushed away from the plush animals and Nascar memoribilia, scrounged a few dollars in change from dad's van (which we took in case we bought a new display case) and bought a chili dog and soda.

Becky outbid a lady for the Kim Anderson's, and I was catching my second wind. The auctioneers desided to pull the tables inside, because of the heat, and the auction continued. The Nascar stuff was so prevalent, it seemed to take forever to get through it all, so they could sell the display cases, but I was determined to get one. I looked them over closely, and picked out one of the three that I liked the best.

When the bidding began, I started in low. A few other collector's bid the Beast Jr up to $20...and then there was silence. No one else wanted in, I was going to get this gem for $20!! But...

The Auctioneer wouldn't give up!! $25?!? $25?!? Who give me $25?!?

NOBODY!! I was screaming in my head. I took my auction number out of my pocket, ready to reveil my number to record my successful bid...Anybody $25?!?

I put the number back in my pocket. I figgitted a little, I swayed from side to side, I took my number back out...

Anyone $25?!?

CLOSE THE DAMN AUCTION ALREADY!!

Then, from nowhere...

I'll bid $25!!

Where did that squirrley mo' fo' come from? I sighed, and quickly bid $30...he went $35. I starred him straight in his squirrley eyes with a "Don't-Bid-Again" look, and raised my hand for $40.

He got the message, and didn't bid again.

The Beast Jr was mine!!


(top view of Beast Jr....and my complete Beatles Picture Sleeve Collection!!)

After a long long day in the heat and sun, and almost passing out, I drove away victorious!!


(side view of Beast Jr!)

Hey Kool Aid!!

Staying in touch with friends is sometimes difficult. Especially as you get older, gain more responsibilities and have a love affair with the television as I do. So, what better thing to do than to have a party with your friends to keep in touch?

Becky and I have some good friends, Jean and Larry, that live down south in the big city that is Louisville, Kentucky, and we really hadn't been too good of friends to them as of late. So, we decided to have a little party with them and Jean's sister Jill.

It was a small party, and we knew going in we had to be a bit creative because Jean is pregnant, so that ruled out any kinda kegger or anything wild like that (not that we are the kegger kinda people, but it was a no go for the alcohol!!) Jill, Becky and I decided on the KOOL AID PARTY!!



(Kool Aid spread with a Hawaiian Punch imposter!! I took care of that Joker with a nice Kool Aid man drawn over top of Punchy! ...click on picture to enlarge and see the awesome Kool Aid Man drawing!!)

We mixed up some new drinks, like the Black Cherry/Lemon Lime Kool Aid Jill and I decided on...it was ok, but check out this grand drink Jill dubbed "Jenny." I'm still not sure I understand why...


(Jenny - note the awesome green center!!)

After drinking our weight in Kool Aid, and after I ate 3 delicious bowls of chili, we played some Riff (a music trivia game) where the guys completely destroyed the girls, but it was still great fun to have the playful arguing back and forth about whether Hank Williams, Jr being know as "Bocephus" was truly "an artist who is known by one name," like Prince, or Madonna or Cher.

All in all, a great time was had by all, thanks to Jean and Larry for hosting the event!! I highly recommend Kool Aid Parties for everyone!!!

Gatlinburg

Over the Labor day weekend, Becky and I decided to grab my mom and dad and cruise down to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for a nice relaxing holiday. We all had been before, but being as Gatlinburg is only 4 or 5 hours south of us, it seemed like the logical place to go considering our short time span.

We loaded up the van, and headed out on Friday, ready for our adventure!!

The last time I had been to Gatlinburg was for my cousin Scott's wedding, nearly 5 years prior, and I was shocked to see who much Gatlinburg had changed and grown! When did Ripley's Aquarium come into town? We navigated the streets and soon found our home for the next three days.



See that awesome cabin we stayed in? Ok, we didn't stay there, but we could see it from our hotel room...so that kinda counts, right?

We could also see the pool from our balcony.



I took this picture right before I tore my shirt off, threw the camera to the side and lept forth with the rally cry of "CANNONBALL!" Ok, I didn't do that either, what are you, the lie police?!?

We walked downtown and fought the people. Being a holiday weekend, we knew there would be a lot of people, but this place was really hoppin!! I think it must have been Vegas week because the city didn't sleep! We talked dad into going on the Motion Simulator ride, where you are strapped into a chair and it jerks around, up and down, simulating a roller coaster or some such thing...it was so funny to watch him jerking around over in his chair. The first ride ended, and he started to take off the seat belt when the announcer said "Sit tight for the second ride!!"

Dad just looked at me, stunned, and said..."There's another one?"

The second day, we went to Pigeon Forge. Pigeon Forge is full of fun things to do, but none as exciting as the multi-level Go-Kart Track!! Dad, still woozy from his Motion Simulator experience, sat this one out, as did mom, but Becky and I entered the track with one thing on our minds...out racing each other!!



The race was tight. I held the slim lead at the beginning, but a wide turn allowed the very shifty Becky to squeeze in on the inside (even though the annoucer said NO BUMPING ALLOWED!!) I tried to regain the lead, and I almost did on the last lap, as another kart had the inside lane, forcing Becky to go wide. I snuck up within inches, but in the end, Becky went around that kart, too.

I lost.

Next, we contemplated going to this odd building...



The place was called Wonderworks, and it featured a large array of virtual activities. We decided the price was a bit too steep, so we took some pictures and headed towards Cherokee, NC for some gambling.

The casino in Cherokee is big, but surprisingly hard to find. Once we got there, we started in hard and fast...

Hard and fast at losing our money, that is!! I guess we should have spent the money on Wonderworks!!

I think mom came out ahead, but it couldn't offset the losses the rest of us suffered...I left with a sick feeling after Dad finally was DEALT a straight flush on the video poker, stopped to show us all what he was dealt, then promptly hit the deal button without holding the straight flush, causing him to loose his awesome hand, and the $25 booty that it would have brought.

We took the windy road back to the hotel, dejected. Mom and dad walked down to the Gatlinburg strip one last time while Becky and I watched Big Brother (we are addicted, folks!!) and we make one last treck down after the show was over.

We had a good time, and I won a Tiger-esque 3 putt-putt matches in a row, so I can't complain!! Monday we drove back and decompressed from the stress that the tiny town with a lot of people brought. I don't know if I'll ever go back, just too busy...unless we score that awesome cabin in the trees!!

CONTEST

ED NOTE: Technically, that last post WAS the first post of today's two a days, and this post, while equally short, will be number two. I hope to post better tomorrow, but take what you can get people!!

HEAR YE, HEAR YE!!!!

ANNOUNCING THE FIRST GET OUT OF LIFE ALIVE CONTEST EVER!!!

GUESS THE NUMBER OF RECORDS IN MY COLLECTION



This past week, I have been on vacation, and instead of dipping my toes in the cool ocean waters or burying myself up to the neck in sand, I decided to make a record database of all my lp's!! It took a solid week, but I have finished.

And now, I'm going to give you the chance to win great, fabulous prizes!!

Here's the rules:

1. Take out your abacasses and calculators and try to figure out how many records are in my entire collection.

2. Go into comments and enter your best guess along with your name (nicknames are fine if I know you by that nickname...example, I know who Big Country is so that is acceptable. However, I DO NOT know anyone by the nickname of bigjugsluver, so don't use that nickname!! Ok, I can probably bet that would also be Big Country, but give me a break and put down your name, ok?)

3. Whoever is closest wins a FABULOUS PRIZE (fabulous prize as yet undetermined).

4. ONE GUESS PER PERSON

That's it!! So, please take a second and make a guess. I will have this contest open through the end of the week, and winners will be announced with a special blog on Monday, September 25th.

Feel free to ask any questions (except How many records are there?) and I will try to help answer them.

TWO-A-DAYS

Oh...My...Goodness...

Has it really been a month since my last post? We'll some dear, dear readers of Get Out Of Life Alive have informed me that yes, it has indeed been a month since my last post. In the name of keeping the peace (and not losing a few appendages at the hands of Sue!!) I have decided to come back strong this week!!

Anyone that has ever played organized sports, especially football, has heard of the term "Two A Days," which basically means, two practices a day. Clever, huh? Anyway, in honor of our Indianapolis Colts (which are TWO - 0 this season so far) and the football season in general, I give you:

GET OUT OF LIFE ALIVE TWO-A-DAYS!!

That's right!! Over the next week (work week that is) I will be delivering 2, count 'em, TWO posts per day!! How about that? Hopefully my active lifestyle and roll-on-the-floor humor will keep you entertained for as long as I can sustain it!! Hopefully, knowing how lazy I am, that will be further than Tuesday!

Hope you enjoy 2 a days!!

T

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

FRIDAY


(Nothing but bills and a Rolling Stones Magazine)

(Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow.)

SATURDAY


(Playboy? That's it?!?)


(The waiting is killing me!!)

SUNDAY


(There's no mail on Sunday, and you can't be sad all the time!!)

MONDAY

(Wait a minute...what is this?)


(Could this be the package I've been waiting for?)




(It is!!! My Will Kirby from Big Brother All-Stars Keychain!!)

(Front View)-------------------------------(Back View)

(Geez, it's only a keychain people!!)

Angry Rant # 6

Ok kids, I can only take so much before I snap and type a ranting blog about that which hath made me snap. You all know by now that I am a big tv watcher, and by being such an avid watcher, you inevitably have to watch the dreaded commercials. Well, a few commercials these days have me quite uneasy due to their lack of logic.

Here are a few examples:

1. Suzuki - Grand Vitara

The Setup:

A guy in a business suit opens his front door and turns to kiss his wife goodbye for the day. He takes two steps before the camera pans out and we see the guy basejump down into a huge canyon or ravine or whatever those huge holes are called.

He lands feet away from his Grand Vitara, gets in and drives away.

The Problem:

The thing that bugs me about this commercial is this: If this dude's house is at the top of this canyon, and his car is at the bottom, how the hell does he get to his house when he gets home from work? He doesn't drive up there, cause his car is at the bottom!! And I'm not sure I'm ready to buy the fact that he scales the cliff face every evening.

2. US Army

The Setup:

a.) The boss walks into the airplane hangar with a new employee by his side. The new employee is a former Army man who is taking a civilian job. The boss leaves, and two other employees ask the Army man: "Have you ever worked with something so fast before?" (pointing at the airplane).

After a few moments of the Army man in military action, he looks at them and nods before very unemotionally, very smugly replying: "Yeah, in my last job." With a smirk on his face.

b.) Some friends are sitting on a porch, drinking some brewskis when an Army man, in his Army clothes walks in. The guys all cheer and welcome him in. They ask him what he does in the army, and he says he works with computers.

"Couldn't you do that here?" the friends ask.

After a few moments of action from the battlefield, the Army man says very unemotionally, very smugly: "No, not really." With a smirk on his face.

The Problem:

Couldn't the US Army tell these actors to not portray themselves as such arrogant dicks?!? My blog isn't political, so I won't comment of the war or any such thing, but I will say I wouldn't sign up if I was going to end up like these guys!! (Ed Note: the views on this blog are not necessarily the views of the writer...oh, wait, I'm the writer...never mind.)

3. White Castle

The Setup:

A lady has a freezer and a microwave in her bedroom, the freezer is stocked full of White Castle products.

The Problem:

She says she keeps the freezer in the bedroom "just in case there is another Y2K..." First of all, nothing happened on Y2K, but let's assume it did and chaos ensued. In that, worst case scenario, I'm sure the power would be out, and THE FREEZER AND MICROWAVE WOULDN'T WORK!!

Plus, like the previous White Castle commercial with the lady making Slider casserole, these actresses are just creepy. Hey freezer lady, what's with the Pale Baby Blue portraits of the kids hanging over the bed? This isn't 1940 you know!!

I'm sure there are other, but these are three have my brain boiling right now, and I better not push my brain's limits or it might just explode.

Karma: The Vending Machine Nazi

Today, I would like to teach you all a lesson in Karma. Now I know you could just as easily turn on My Name Is Earl on NBC and get the same lesson while laughing at the hilarious Jason Lee and gawking at the beautiful Jamie Pressly, but you came to my site, so humor me here ok?



A couple of weeks ago, I posted a story called The Dangling Item. (Click link to re-read).

Long story short, I took two Twinkies from the vending machine for the price of one. Well, karma has come back to bite me on that one friends. (Let me take a second to say "You were right" to The Phoenix, who basically called me out on it.)

I should have known that vending machine would remember me ripping extra product from it's belly, but it is, after all, just a machine...or so I thought!! The other day I returned to that machine for some Doritos...Nacho Cheese variety. The machine called out for 65 cents.

I first tried a dollar bill. It spit it back....three times. Finally, the bill took. I pressed 114, and the displayed read "PLEASE USE EXACT CHANGE."

I reach into my pocket and realized I only had quarters and dimes in my pocket. I put 2 quarters and 2 dimes in...I really didn't care if the extra nickel change popped back, I wanted the chips!! I put the change in, and to my horror, the machine totally ate my dimes!!

Credit 50 cents, the machine read.

So, I tried to get the change back, and 2 quarters popped out...no dimes. Crap!! I took out a third quarter and put them all in the slot.

I pressed 114 again. "PLEASE USE EXACT CHANGE." Double Crap!!

The machine was just toying with me at this point. I swear the display read "No Chips for you, fatboy!" at one point. Maybe this machine was the Vending Machine Nazi!! I apologized to it's cold display for taking the Twinkies and swore I never would again. I thought that would help.

I tried the quarters again...no luck. I flagged down a passing worker and luckily for me, he had some nickels. I put the 2 quarters and 3 nickels into the slot, apologized again, and pressed 114.

Nothing happened.

I pressed 114 again.

"PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION"

I just put my head into my hand, hit 116 for Doritos...Cool Ranch, and skulked back to my desk, thoroughly defeated by the Vending Machine Nazi. As Jerry Seinfeld said..."It's hard living under a Nazi regime!!"

And how!!

POISON w/ Special Guests Cinderella

Ah, petchulli...it has been a year since I have smelled your scent. Maybe that's a good thing...

Concert season is upon us once again, and this year began with a trip down memory lane...well, not my memory lane, as I am of the alternative generation, but a trip down my older friend's memory lane.

Our first stop...Poison and Cinderella.

The night began with a pretty cool sounding band, whose name I forget. Do you think that playing your music in front of tens of thousands of people makes it any easier to swallow the fact that hardly any of them are listening? I hope so. They weren't bad, but I find it hard to embrace an '80's sounding band that is coming out in the 2000's. It's just creepy.

While the opener was playing, we decided to play a little game.

Which concert goer had the most out of place concert shirt on? The rules were simple: Find the person at a Hair Metal Concert that had a shirt on depicting a musical act that was the furthest away from hair metal. I quickly gave an exemption to classic artists, such as The Who, Led Zep, Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles.

I was really hoping for a Raffi shirt...but no luck.


"Do you have any Raffi? Reefer? NO, RAFFI!!"

The search was not going very well...Poison, Cinderella, Poison, Ratt, Guns and Roses...then, Becky spotted the winner.

RAY CHARLES!!

Come on, dude, Ray Charles at a Poison show? That's wack!! (consolation prize goes to the girl wearing the Hello Kitty shirt...ok, technically that's not a music shirt, and she was only about 7 years old...but damn, Hello Kitty at a Rock concert?!?)

CINDERELLA



After a brief intermission, a large Cinderella curtain dropped in front of the stage. The speakers blasted out the sound of lightning, and ironically, at the same moment, it started raining. Very strange, huh?

The band blasted full force into...

I was going to try and pretend I knew any of the Cinderella songs, but in reality, I just don't. I knew Nobody's Fool, but that is the extent of my Cinderella knowledge. Sorry, folks!!

I was very impressed, however, that their lead singer (again, I don't know who he is, sorry '80's fans!) played:

Piano
Saxophone
Slide, lap guitar thing

and

Lead Guitar.

That takes some talent. (no, he didn't play them all at the same time!!) I was left wondering, however, do you think this dude really thought Cinderella was a cool band name? I bet when he was 20, he never thought he'd still be singing for Cinderella when he was 40!!

The rain stopped, and so did Cinderella. They were overall ok, but just not my bag really.

INTERMISSION

While we have this break in the action, let me take a minute to tell you, dear readers, about hand signs at concerts. When you are rocking out to your favorite 80's band, metal band, or harder hitting band, the correct hand signage is:

This hand symbol:



Means "Hang Loose" and is NOT COOL at a concert (unless you are in Hawaii).

This hand symbol:



Means "I Love You" and is also NOT COOL at a concert...in fact, it's never cool, loser!!

POISON

Before Poison took the stage, we tried to predict if CC DeVille would have normal, calm hair or crazy CC hair. When they took the stage and broke into "Look at What the Cat Dragged In," our question was answered...CRAZY CC HAIR!! Bret was running around the stage, CC was doing his CC thang, and the band sounded great!

I was surprised that I actually knew all the songs, as I was never one to pop in a Poison CD. I couldn't sing along to most, but I still grooved out and enjoyed myself. The band played hit after hit, after hit...the energy was very high, the pyrotechnics were blasting, and Bret's voice sounded really smooth and strong. I did get a bit frustrated with Bret having to seemingly tell CC when he was to solo...everytime before the solo, Bret would scream, "Hit it CC!" or "Do it, CC!" or "CC!!"

Half way through the set, the band left CC to embark on some wicked guitar solos which had me wondering if he had an extra finger or two on his left hand. He doesn't, but wouldn't that be cool if you DID have an extra working finger, and could play stuff no one else could because of it? I mean even if the extra finger didn't work, but you could use it to hold down barre chords and stuff it would be cool...

Sorry, I got sidetracked there.

He then went into a song of his own called "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body, Except Mine." I think it was a love song. Aww, how sweet!! You could really tell CC really likes himself, as he asked the crowd for applause, and during the song, he yelled out his own name before the solo..."Hit it, CC!"

The night rocked long and hard, with a few classics like Unskinny Bop, Every Rose, and Nothin' But a Good Time closing the show. There was time for an encore...Talk Dirty to Me. Sweet. Then we herded out with the rest of the cattle to our cars, and we drove out (rather quickly for Verizon) and headed to the after concert stop...White Castle. It's tradition!!

Next stop on the concert scene...DEF LEP!!

Hot Conversation

Me: "Damn, it's as hot as a witch's titty out here, which begs the question, how hot is a witch's titty?"

Scott: "Well, it really depends on how you classify a witch. Are witches descendents of hell, or are they the undead?"

Me: *shrug* "Spawns of Satan?"

Scott: "I don't think they are spawns of Satan per se. I think they are undead."

Me: "You can kill witches though...you can burn them..."

Scott: "You can kill Zombies, too, and they are undead."

Me: *shrugs, true*

Scott: "See, I think witches aren't really witches until they get past the age of normal living people, you know, like over 100. Until that point, they could just act like witches, and learn the craft..."

Me: "What about the girls in the movie, "The Craft"?"

Scott: "No, they are Wicca Witches, that doesn't count."

Me: "Oh, so real witches aren't made, they are born into it?"

Scott: "Something like that."

Me: "So, it's past down, maybe skip a generation..."

Scott: "Yeah, and when they reach a certain age, then you know they couldn't possibly be that old, and that's when they have proven they aren't real life people..."

Me: "Ah, they are undead!"

Scott: "Exactly!! And if you were so inclined as to feel the witch's titty, I bet it would be room temperature, or cold...not hot."

Me: "Ah, that explains it!!"

Scott: "But the expression is cold as a witch's titty."

Me: "It is? Oh, never mind then..."

What I Learned Over the Four Day Holiday

Ah, summer. Time for the sun, the cook outs, and a break from the icy winter months. Nothing says summer more than the Fourth of July!! Independence Day!! FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!

Here, for you my friends, are some things I learned this Independence Day.

1. When Laying in the Pool on a Floaty...WEAR SUNSCREEN!! I am still itching, and I burned a week ago!!

2. Sun Poisoning SUCKS!! When you are exposed to the sun for a long period of time, or, in my case, if you have a lot of body to expose to the sun, it really sucks to get burned...but it is twice as bad, when you get sun poisoning. Your skin blisters, your body starts tingling to the point you can't even concentrate, and...well, does there need to be an and?!? It sucks! Wear sunscreen you crazy loons!!

3. Lotion Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. I was laying in bed, tingling all over, my mind racing...I couldn't think straight, but I knew I needed the tingling to STOP!! I grabbed for the lotion, and proceeded to smear it all over. It didn't help. It just made me tingly and greasy.

4. Vitamin A and D Ointment Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. After the lotion fiasco, I went downstairs and searched the internet for home remedies. (Ok, smarty...go ahead and say Aloe at this point...I KNOW ALOE!! I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ALOE!!) So, I grab for the Vitamin A and D ointment. For those of you not in the know, this ointment is for diaper rash, I think, and it helps with the sting of tattoos. It's thick, it's slimy, and it stinks.

But I wasn't thinking straight.

I grabbed up that tube and began squirting that nasty mess all over me. Now I was:

Tingly

Greasy

AND Slimy.

You guessed it...the stuff didn't help.

5. A Hot Shower Doesn't Help Sun Poisoning. In my continuing saga of the insane itchy tingly feeling, I read about taking a shower. But, this website (which I should have stopped trusting at this point!!) said to "take a hot shower because it will open the pores and remove dead skin."

What it didn't tell you was that a hot shower on a sunburned body also causes convulsions of pain akin to razors slicing your eyeballs!! If you've never had razors cut your eyeballs before, trust me, it sucks!! (not that I have, mind you, but come on...it's razors...on your EYEBALLS!!)

6. A Cold Shower DOES Help Sun Poisoning. Finally, I went against the advice of the website which vehemently advised against cold showers (as it would "close your pores and trap heat in") and I turned the flowing lava off of my shower, to straight cold. Ah, the cold water felt like I was rubbing a furry bunny on my chest and arms. Salvation at last!! I was under that cold water until my finger tips were wrinkly. When I got out, I didn't even need to dry off, as my burnt skin absorbed the water like a sponge. I quickly went to sleep, so as to avoid the pain again.

7. I Cannot Eat My Weight In Hamburger. I tried really hard...but could only manage 3 burgers!! I just can't put it away like I use to!!

8. I Need To Wear Shorts More. I wore shorts to several cookouts over the 4 day weekend. At every one, somebody asked: "Is that tattoo new?" For those of you not in the know, I have a shamrock on my calf...I got it last summer. I think I lost count at 5 people asking if it was new. Maybe I should wear shorts more...or talk to my relatives more...(Oh, and I need to wear shorts more, cause my legs are damn sexy!!)

9. Fireworks Are Cooler When You Light Them Yourself. I never liked fireworks much. They are loud, hurt my eyes, and are kinda dumb. However...when you set the fire to one personally, and watch it explode...very cool.

10. Fireworks Are NOT Cool at Midnight When You Have To Work The Next Day. Come on, people!! Don't you have jobs? QUIT WITH THE FIREWORKS AT MIDNIGHT!!

And Finally...

11. Kids Are Heavy When You Have to Throw Them Around In The Pool. I looked at the clock. it was 5 pm. I jumped in the pool. Five screaming kids choked me, grabbed my leg, pulled me down...I picked one up and threw him. Big mistake.

"Throw me, throw me!!" screamed the little kids.

So I did. And I threw them, and threw them, and threw them...for what seemed like forever. Finally, when the waves stopped, and Uncle Tony got out (after all the kids, I might add!!) I thought I had been in the pool for at least 3 hours. I looked at the clock.

6 PM!!

Damn, those kids wore me out.

There you have it. Things that I learned over the 4 day weekend...I guess I also learned that a weekend really CAN be too long, as I was ready to come back to work to escape the burn, and the heavy kids, and the 97 degree heat. I needed to come back to work so I could get some rest!!

Kings: Update

Kings Update:

WARNING: NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACHED!!

Today, I had a Kings casualty. I noticed a blister beneath one of my toe nails, and the toe nail was craked. I pulled the toe nail a little and the blister popped...and then the toe nail came clean off.

It was the Piggy that Stayed Home's Nail.

Poor toe nail, I will try to regrow you soon.

Tony-Phillipe - Hairdresser

I can do a few things well.

I'm pretty good at volleyball. I know my way around records. I can cook a mean Kraft Mac and Cheese. But when it comes to working with my hands, I'm no Bob Villa. I did make some excellent record shelves, but by-and-large, I'm not so good with my hands.


(My beautiful record shelves...top two rows)

For some reason unknown to me still, Becky decided she wanted me to highlight her hair. This is wrong on so many levels.

First: The above mentioned "not being good with my hands" thing.
Second: Big hands...small head...precise work. These things do not go together.
Third: I have no hair...why would I be good at doing hair, when I have no experience doing my own?
Fourth: I'M A GUY!! Ladies, don't ask a guy to do your hair if you want it to come out well. We just don't have the patience for it!!

Somehow, I'm still not sure how, she talked me into doing it. I prepared my tools.



I had the Revlon kit, the instructions, and some blue goo that ladies willingly put on their head. The instructions said: "Mix the powder into the conditioner until it's smooth, but don't over mix, because it could get too hot"...too hot? What is this stuff, acid?

But before I mixed, I had to put the little hat on Becky, and fish strands of hair out of what seemed like a million holes with what looked like a crochet needle. Yes, it was as fun as it sounds!!

The instructions said: "For muted highlights, pull hair out of every other hole." Unfortunately for me, I read that as, "Pull hair out of every hole." So, for the next hour, I was pulling strands, pulling strands, pulling strands.

Me: "I think I'm pulling out, too much."
Becky: "Yeah, way too much."
Me: "Why didn't you stop me."
Becky: "I don't know."

I re-read the directions, and realized my error. I had to pull the cap off, and begin all over. Every OTHER whole. I began again...pulling strands, pulling strands, pulling strands. Yes, still as fun as it sounds.

At this point, it was after 11 pm, and I was tired. But I knew I had to move on. I mixed the Blue Goo, and followed the instructions to put on the gloves, so my skin wouldn't touch the Goo.

This was where the problems began. The gloves, it seems, were made for a 5 year old girl...Unfortunately, my hands are slightly larger than that of a five year old girl. I tried to put them on, but only got about half way before I started freaking out because they were so tight on my fingers.

Me: Oh My God!! They won't go on, THEY WON'T GO ON!!

Becky: Calm down!

Me: But THEY WON'T GO ON!! AAARRRRGGGHHH! (This is where I went running out of the room screaming.)

Becky calmed me down and after a few more attempts to get the glove on, I finally forced in on, tearing it in the process. Oops!! I started brushing the hair strands with the Blue Goo. I tried to not put too much on, because of the burn warning. My hands were sweating because of the stupid tight gloves!! But I pushed on.

After the first application, her hair still looked brown, so I had to get down and dirty. I had to apply more Blue Goo with my tightly gloved fingers. I lathered it on heavy, coating every strand with Goo. It took forever!! I grabbed each strand and coated it individually. I wanted to do this right, so I really concentrated on something other than those gloves (oh, those horrible gloves).

When the Blue Goo was applied, we waited.



After an extremely long wait, Becky put down her BeatleFest magazine, and we rinsed. I think the final results are pretty good!!




Just call me Tony-Phillipe!! If you would like your hair dyed, just let me know...BUT BUY BIGGER GLOVES!!

Kings: Year 10

Volleyball hurts. It hurts my knees, it hurts my shoulder, it even hurts my pride sometimes. But I love it, and I don't see myself stopping the torture anytime soon. This past weekend was the 10th Annual Kings of the Gillespie Beach.

Ok, quick outline...Volleyball, 2 on 2, 8 players. Each person has to play a match with the other 7 players. The top 4 win/loss records goes to the finals, or the "Kings" round. My goal was simple...make the "Kings" round.

Eight warriors entered the day...Three time King Shannon Burch, Twice Kings Champion and co-founder Andy Gillespie, Co-King founder Scott Crank, Toby Paswater, Brian Wilhelm, Brian's friend Todd (who filled in for the Reigning King Hank Myers who couldn't be there because his priorities are in the wrong place - just kidding Hank!! - Myself a Co-founder and Two time King and the eighth spot was filled by the Grand Pooba of Kings, "Big D" Dave Gillespie. At age 56, and needing a complete hip replacement, Big D inspired the players to go out and do their best.

My first match was with the Veteran, Big D. Maybe it was the father/son doubles tournaments that we played in together, I don't know, but somehow, we managed to win. His only victory of the day...but it was good enough to leave him in 7th for the day. I went on to win 5 more matches, and loose just 1 in the pool play. I was in to the finals...for the 10th year in a row, I have made the round of "Kings".

Scott , who had only made the finals once in 10 tries was optimistic about the day, but realistic at the same time.

"I have 6 Gatorades in my cooler, 6 Cokes, 8 bottles of water, 6 beers, and if I go out early...a bottle of Vodka."

He didn't go out early. His fiery play dominated the field and he snuck into the finals in the 4th spot. Andy and Shannon rounded out the field, and the "Kings" round was set.

FIRST MATCH: ANDY-SCOTT vs TONY-SHANNON

Andy and Scott had just played the last match of the pool play together, so their chemistry was fresh. They also have years of experience playing together. But so do Shannon and I...so I knew this was going to be a close game. After Andy and Scott broke out to a big lead, Shannon and I recovered, but lost 22-20.

SECOND MATCH: ANDY-SHANNON vs TONY-SCOTT

Scott and I should have had the upper hand on this one, but my body was letting me down, and the serves just kept coming my way. I feel like I let Scott down, as we lost 21-16.

LAST MATCH: ANDY-TONY vs SCOTT-SHANNON

I thought we would win this match and Andy would become the champion. But an onslaught of serves my way, and a few mistakes cost Andy the crown, as we lost 21-17, and the title went to Shannon.

In the end, Shannon took the crown by just a few points, but he modestly declared he didn't deserve it, as Scott played the best ball all day long. Shannon was right, Scott played incredible. But the trophy goes to Shannon for another year.

In the end 8 players began, 4 made the "Kings" round, and 1 was crowned King. In other math related news, I counted 9 blisters on my toes. NINE!!

My knees look like baseballs (very soft squishy baseballs) and they feel like they have nails driven in them. My shoulder hurts, my legs hurt...but I would do it all over again...in the name of volleyball, and in pursuit to become the "King".