Hold the Lettuce

Dear Fast Food Establishments,

You know what I hate? Fast food lettuce. I mean, seriously, who wants to eat that crap? It's almost always either gone bad, or they give you that white lump of lettuce that comes up by the stalk...you know what I'm talking about, quit pointing and laughing cause I don't know the right word for it!!

Why the heck do you in the fast food places use lettuce anyway? I would think that, besides under cooking the meat, and improper sanitary conditions, lettuce would be the most prevalent cause of food bourne sickness.

Also:

--Lettuce doesn't have a taste, so just leave it off!
--Lettuce always makes the other, better toppings slide around the sandwich.
--Lettuce gets all over the car if you are eating on the go. (stupid sliced lettuce!!)
--Lettuce doesn't make the sandwich any more appealing. Honestly, when was the last time you said, "I'm not eating that unless you throw some beautiful, leafy green lettuce on that bastard!!"
--If every restaurant in America put one less leaf of lettuce on each sandwich, the restaurant could save over a million dollars a year!!

Ok, so I made that last one up, but who likes lettuce anyway? I don't see any hands, but i'm gonna assume some people out there like lettuce, so I'll compromise. You lettuce lovers give me a burger without lettuce at the fast food, and I'll give you the garden when you go to the fancy place (like Applebee's) and drop a Hamilton on a "gourmet" burger. Ok?

(PS, if anyone responds that I could just order the sandwich without lettuce, I'm gonna hunt you down and rip your arms off!! I've been ordering "no onions" for as long as I could order, and those fast food workers ALWAYS PUT ONION ON MY SANDWICH. No, you can't always get it your way!)

Love,
Tony