I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye in the past. You say it's "naughty," while I inevitably say "nice." You say "coal," and I say "candy."
It's a viscous circle, Santa, and it needs to stop this year. I have a few issues we need to discuss.
First, we need to discuss the whole "coming down the chimney" thing. Since we have no chimney, and I really don't feel comfortable leaving my door unlocked, I think it would be best if you give me a call before you come to my house. I'm sure you have a cell phone so Mrs. Claus can call you five million times during the night, so it shouldn't be a problem for you to give me a call.
Secondly, I will not be leaving cookies this year, Pudgy, cause I've seen your waistline, and it isn't exactly svelte. I'll leave some milk...skim, but the cookies will be replaced with a nice Rice Cake.
Thirdly, with all of the aforementioned weight you've packed on from those cookies, I would appreciate it if you didn't land on the roof, cause last year I had a heck of a time fixing the structural damage you caused...and do you know how hard it is to get frozen reindeer "presents" off of grey shingles?!? Yeah, Rudolph may love the extra stop you make at White Castle, but trust me, the White Castles don't like Rudolph!!
Fourthly, I dig the red and white hat...the red and white coat is even alright. But the red pants? Overkill. And with black boots? Looks like someone needs to sign you up for "What Not To Wear," or "Queer Eye For The Santa Guy."
Fifthly, dude, can't you do something about this damn cold weather? I mean, seriously, it's cold here in Indiana!!
I've added my Christmas Wish List via an attachment to this email, I hope your computer can support it's size. Let me know if you can't open it...Oh, and if you let me know the addresses of the "naughty" girls, I would be happy to give them a visit and put some coal in their stockings (girls over 18 only, please!!)
Have a Happy Christmas, Santa, and a prosperous New Year!!
Love, Tony
(PS, I mean it about those White Castles!! I've never had Reindeer Jerky, but I'm willing to try it!!)
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