True Stories: The Yard Sale Massacre

The story you are about to read is true. The names are real, the places are real, the situation...well, also real. This is True Stories.

I'm your host for True Stories, Burt Reynoldsonsmokeybandit.

Dateline: Saturday, June 13th, 2009

It was an unassuming Saturday morn, the Gillespie family had just finished breakfast at the local McDonalds and decided to hit a few yard sales on their way home. Little did they know the drama that was about to consume them.

While young Hendrix frolicked in his car seat, his parents, Becky and Tony, checked off the yard sales from the newspaper as they visited them. Becky, who controlled the paper, directed Tony to hit a promising sale. After typing the address into the GPS (which, by the way, is a FABULOUS way to yard sale, I, Burt Reynoldsonsmokeybandit, highly recommend it!!)

The address, however, was very elusive. They drove down the road twice, and found no trace of a yard sale. Tony, impatient as always, was ready to throw in the towel. But Becky convinced him otherwise.

(the following conversation is a re-enactment with Heidi Klum playing the role of "Becky" and Josh Hartnett playing the role of "Tony." "Hendrix" is playing himself cause I, Burt Reynoldsonsmokeybandit, cannot think of a cute famous baby off the top of my head.)

Becky: "Listen to this description, though...60's/70's era records."

Tony: "Oh yeah! Dang, it probably was a Friday and Saturday sale though, right? All the good lp's are probably gone..."

Becky: "No, it says Saturday...10 am!!"

A quick glance at the clock revealed it was 10:02 am. Tony's pulse began to quicken as he envisioned a glorious collection of records. He HAD to find this yard sale.

The young, handsome couple finally located the address and pulled in front of a large, brick house. The house looked like it was converted into a few apartments due to the size, but strangely, no yard sale was to be found.

Becky: "It's probably inside, just go and open the door and go in. I bet there is an entrance area, and it's set up in there."

Tony: "I'm not just going to go into someone's house...what if there isn't a sale inside?!?"

Becky: "Just do it."

Tony exited the car, and looked around for a yard sale sign, or any direct of where to go. There was nothing. He began to walk to the backyard when he spied a tiny pink post it note on the door.

Upon approaching the 2 x 2 note, he read: "Push the top button for sale." To his left, he found an intercom system with 5 white buttons. Something didn't seem right. Tony walked back to the car to talk it over with Becky.

A car slowed as Tony made his way back to his vehicle. A man (played by Kevin Bacon in this re-enactment, cause he's in everything!) popped his head out the window and asked if this is where the sale was.

Tony: "Yeah, there is a note to ring the buzzer, but it seems shady to me."

Kevin Bacon Guy: "I think I'll pass."

Tony opened Becky's car door and told her of the shady situation.

Becky: "Just go ring the buzzer."

Tony: "What if there is a killer in there, wanting to rob me?"

Becky: "Oh, whatever..."

Tony: "Ok, I'll do it, but if I end up hacked into a million pieces, it's on you!!"

Tony approached the door again, and this time, he hit the buzzer. An older gentleman approached, opened the door, and Tony entered.
.............................................................

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH BECKY (not the fake Heidi Klum Becky, the real one.)

Becky: "I wasn't worried about it really. I've seen inside yard sales before, you know, when people are moving. It didn't hit me until Tony had been gone for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. I thought something was wrong..."

Burt Reynoldsonsmokeybandit: "What did you do? Did you call his cell phone to check on him?"

Becky: "I couldn't, my cell phone was at home on the charger...what a terrible day to have the battery die!! I didn't want to get Hendrix out and go to the door, risking someone slicing us up, too. My only option was to drive off, look for a phone, and call him..."

Burt: "What was going through your mind?"

Becky: "I thought he was chopped up!! If he wouldn't have put that image into my mind!!"

Burt: "So, it was his fault?"

Becky: "No, I was just really worried."

Burt: "Hendrix, what went through your mind? Were you afraid something happened to your daddy?"

Hendrix: no response

Burt: "I know, it's difficult to talk about. Thank you both for your time."
...........................................................

Tony cautiously entered the house behind the older gentleman. As they walked down a corridor, Tony carefully surveyed the scene with ninja like precision to prevent a sneak attack. As they entered the main room, Tony dropped his defenses and was overpowered...














by the site of 2 large crates of glorious records!! He quickly made his way over to them, sitting on the floor to get a better look. The two men exchanged small talk as Tony pulled record after record from the crate...The Beatles White Album, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Doors...the list went on and on until finally Tony just made an offer for one of the crates (the other was all classical junk.) $25!!!

Burt: "What was going through your mind?"

Tony: "At first, I thought I was going to die some ghastly death, but then, after seeing those records, I was only thinking, I'm not getting robbed...I'm robbing this guy!! It's the best lot of records I've ever bought at a yard sale!!"

Outside, Becky was making preparations to go get help, when the door swung open to the house, and out emerged Tony, crate of records in his arms, alive and victorious.

Becky was relieved. Pissed, but relieved.

The morale of this story is this: Don't judge a book by it's cover, don't be afraid to face your fears as you may find something great, and if you are going to be more than 5 minutes in a presumed "Chop Up House" let your wife know you are ok.

This is Burt Reynoldsonsmokeybandit reporting for True Stories.