Winnie or Wanda?

Back when I was a young lad, my brother and I had an ongoing debate. Hopefully, with your help, we can end this battle here and now.

Who's hotter: Winnie or Wanda?

Winnie Cooper was the girl next door on The Wonder Years, and the object of my desires.
(she's the one on the right... SHE'S ON YOUR RIGHT!!)


My brother, being a bit older, prefered Wanda from Doogie Howser M.D.



Well, over the years, the argument died with no clear winner. We moved on to ogle other chicks, but deep inside, the argument still lingers. So, I'll let you decide, and I won't say anything else. BUT, I will leave you with a couple of current pictures of the fair Winnie Cooper, and since a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let them speak for themselves.








Maybe I have one more thing to say...Wanda who?


PS...I know you out there in blogland were hot for Sam on Who's the Boss, so you don't need to tell me that in the comments, ok?

(then)

(NOW)

It Said What?

Part of the duties of my job include imputing the days numbers into a web based database. Why? I don't know, really. I guess so Big Brother can keep an eye on me and "The Man" can keep me down. But regardless of the reasons, I do it.

After I log out of the system, the computer re-directs me to my company's home page so I can read up on all the good things us employees are doing that "The Man" is taking credit for. Well, the last time I was re-directed, the homepage featured a guitar that had a "Play Guitar" strip across it.

Intrigued at to what the guitar would play, I ran my mouse over the strings and heard the following:

-------

Electric Guitar begins roaring
High-Pitched squeaky voice begins to sing:

"Kick Ass...Get Retarded, uh, uh, come on, Get Retarded..."

Music fades

-------

I was shocked!! This on a major company's web site? I listened again, because maybe, just maybe they weren't saying what I thought. A little banner in the corner said "Get Rockin'" But I'm positive the guitar didn't say Get Rockin'.

The second time I heard Kick It...but still Get Retarded. I couldn't hear anything else.

I asked my co-worker what she thought. She listened a few times, and said it sounded like Get Retarded, but maybe it was Get Me Started. Whatever!!

I listened a few more times, then called the only person who could help me figure out the problem:




Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas.


Fergie: "Yo, who dis?"

Me: "Hey Fergie, sup girl?"

Fergie: "Hey, Playa, where you been, kid?"

Me: "You knows, I'm busy...gots stuff to do..."

Fergie: "True."

Me: "Yo, listen to this and tell me what you hear."

Fergie: "Bring it, Playa."

I proceeded to play the guitar with the questionable lyrics.

Fergie: "Whose dat liftin' our lyrics without permission?"

(Note: For those of you not in the know, the Black Eyed Peas sing a song called "Let's Get Retarded" which the radio station forced them to Politically Correct to "Let's Get it Started.")

Me: "I KNOW!"

Fergie: "Yo, playa, I gotta bounce..."

After she hung up, I realized I forgot to ask her if the guitar lady was "liftin" "Let's Get Retarded" or "Let's Get is Started."

Oh, well. Fergie's pissed (and not in her pants this time).



(Side note: Fergie claims she in the picture, the offending spot is sweat. Right...)

Angry Colts Rant

I live in Indiana.

We love the Hoosiers, the Pacers and the Colts...even when all of the above are losing. Even though it was heartbreaking to see the Colts lose this past Sunday, they really didn't deserve to win (judging by the way they played the opening 3 quarters.)

On ESPN yesterday, I heard former QB Ron "Jaws" Jaworski chastise Peyton Manning for publicly criticizing his Offensive line, saying something to the effect of...there is a line you just don't cross, and the line is criticizing your teammates.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to help Peyton out of a jam, and say, emphatically, that THE COLTS OFFENSIVE LINE LOST THE GAME FOR THEM SUNDAY.

Being as I am not an NFL quarterback, I feel I can speak on this subject without backlash from the league, so I will.

If I hear any of the following again, I swear I'll tear out the throat of whoever said it...they include:

1. "That damn Vanderjagt lost the game with his kick."
2. "Peyton chokes in the big games."
3. "I wish I could stab Harper in the leg for not getting around Rothlisberger after that fumble recovery."

or

4. Really any excuse other than the Offensive line blew it.

The only stat you need to know is this...

First 16 games of the season, Peyton Manning was sacked a TOTAL of 17 times (about one per game).

Sunday, he was sacked 5. FIVE TIMES!!

Now, if Peyton had protection, he could have scrambled in the pocket more, found some receivers, and drove the ball down field. Unfortunately, the O line didn't get it right until the 4th Quarter, and by then it was too late. We scored 3 in the first 3 quarters, and 15 in the 4th.

Vanderjagt missed the field goal, and I don't care. If we would have won, it would have been tainted, because Troy Polamalu INTERCEPTED that Manning pass, plain and simple. It shouldn't have been overturned. The referee even said so after the game.

We made it close, and I, as a fan of fairplay, felt a little slimey about coming that close to robbing Pittsburgh of the game. We blew it, (and by we, I of course mean the Offensive line.)

So say what you will about the Colts choking, but don't chastise Manning, who has been brilliant this season, for the shortcomings of his offensive line on Sunday.

Those Young Whipper Snappers!!

Location: Taco Bell drive-thru

Female Taco Bell employee grabs my food from Male Taco Bell employee, and leans out the window.

Taco Bell Girl: "He's so Ghetto, he was tryin' to tag your bag!!"

Me: "Yo, that playa's whack!!"*

* I actually laughed and shook my head in agreement.

What exactly does being "ghetto" mean? And for that matter, what does tagging my bag mean? Man, I'm getting old.

Wherever the Red Dot Goes, YA BANG!!

Have you ever seen these laser pointer thingy-mo-bobbers? You know, the little keychain deals that jack-assed adolencence take to the local Multi-Plex Movie House and shine the little dot on Julia Roberts's toothy grin, or Angelina Jolie's big, big .... er ... lips?

Ok, my question is:

Who the heck was the genius who thought this was a good idea?

Genius: "I'm tired of pointing at that presentation with my finger. What can I invent that would allow me to not have to use my finger, AND I can shine it from across the room?"

Non- Genius: "I don't know, I'm too dumb to think up any inventions."

Genius: "Ah, I have it!! I will have a laser beam across the room, and it will to the trick?"

Non- Genius: "But what if someone shines the laser in their eye?"

Genius: "Shut up!!"

So, the laser pointer was born. Hello, genius...

1. What if someone points the laser beam in their eye?

Answer: Put on a disclaimer.

2. What if an illiterate or small child gets it?

Answer: Shut Up!!

3. Most importantly, haven't you ever seen a movie with a gun? Hello?!? RED LASER POINTER ON THE GUNS!!

"Wherever the red dot goes, YA BANG!!" (Come on, people, go watch Friday the 13th Part 6 for the love of God!!)

Answer: None...come on genius, make the laser blue, at least!!

(NOTE: Don't shine the laser pointer where people are...I shone it down the hallway here at work to see how far the beam went, and some guy came around the corner, dropped to his knees, pee'd his pants, and started sucking his thumb. Sorry about that!!)

Ok, I've lost my train of thought, and I can't see out of my left eye because this laser beam really shouldn't be pointed directly at your eye!!

Who Are You?

Monday mornings are the worst. After adjusting yourself to stay up as late as possible on the weekends, along creeps Monday morning to snap you back to reality with a judo chop.

After waking up slightly late, I rushed to take a shower, got dressed and grabbed all the necessities for the work day ahead. Unfortunately, I forgot one crutial element.

No, it wasn't my pants, you perverts!!

It was my security badge.

You see, the building I work in is all James Bond and stuff. Very high tech, very Top Secret, very secured. You need a badge to enter, even if you work in the Document Center like I do. My office is directly inside the back door, and I talk to, or at least see, nearly everyone in the building, everyday. Basically, I am very well known within the building.

(Please refer to Movin' On Up if you don't believe me.)

I decided to keep on truckin' to work, since I was half-way there already, late, and too lazy to drive back to the house and go inside to retrieve my badge. I figured a couple of things could happen:

1. Someone would be outside smoking, and they would let me in.
2. I could get to work, and use the cell phone to call my co-worker to let me in.
3. I could pound on the door until someone heard it, and let me in.

Being the lazy person I am, I didn't want to expend the effort to call my co-worker, and pounding on the door is so rude, I decided to wait for a smoker. Soon after I arrived at the back door, the garage door opened. It wasn't a smoker, but it was my way in.

The lady who opened the door was from the Data Center. She was a pleasant women whom I spoke to often. Seeing my opportunity, I slipped in under the garage door, waved hello to the Data Center lady and made my way to a second door which opens up five feet away from my office.

But that door, too, needed the badge to be opened.

I patiently waited for the Data Center lady to finish her business with the Security tape delivery guy, then I asked her politely if she would let me in, as I had forgotten my badge.

Her: "What's your name?"
Me: Stunned "Uh, Tony, I work right across the hall."
Her: "Tony what?"

At this point I was stunned beyond belief. I've worked here for 5 years and you are asking me who I am? I stuttered my full name, and proceeded to provide her with enough nervous information to make an innocent man seem guilty.

Finally, she agreed, only after I walked her the full five feet to my office, showed her my desk (which has a picture of me on it) and had my co-worker vouch for me (which she reluctantly did, because she thought Data Center lady was just kidding, too.)

Needless to say, I never leave the house without my security badge anymore, and I make sure everytime I see Data Center lady in the hall, I greet her by name, just to make sure she knows I exist.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, kids, we did it. We survived the holidays. We survived the turkey, we survived the visitation of 50 places, we survived the Christmas decorations and the continuous loop of Christmas songs which was layed upon us starting in October.

The point is, it is 2006...the holidays are over!!

Did you have a good holiday, fine reader? I certainly hope so. I had a very nice Christmas, and a fine, fine New Year's. (I would like to take a moment to warn you about the film Wolf Creek...if you haven't sat through this movie yet, SAVE YOUR MONEY!! We went and watched it Christmas day and it was bad...really, really bad!!)

Anyhoo, sorry for the aside. Like any rational American, New Year's is a time for resolutions. So, this year, I think I was able to come up with a few that I'm sure I can stick with. So, without further ado, here are my New Year's resolutions for the year Two double-0 Six.

#1: Work Less. I think work dominates so many of our lives that we forget sometimes about the things that are most important. Family, friends, health, etc. Of course, work doesn't even come close to dominating my life, so working even less is going to be really hard. But that's why they call it a resolution!! They are suppose to be hard!!

#2: More Me Time. Kickin' back on a Sunday and watching the Colts win the Super Bowl...cataloging some records...taking a cat nap with my cat. These are a few of my favorite things, and thusly, I pledge to make more time for them in 2006.

#3: Blog More. Gotta keep my two readers satisfied with more of what they crave...me. How can I argue with that? Like I've always heard, the customer is always right!! (Yes, you are the customer in this situation...and if you want more, than who am I to stop that? Really, who the heck am I?)

So, that's it. I didn't want to make too many because a man can only do so much. I'm not a robot here, people!! Hopefully, I can stick with my goals, and make this the best year ever!!