Toilet Troubles

Plumbing...not my strong suit. Actually, many who know me, know I'm not a very handy guy at all. My fix-it-yourself prowless usually consists of dialing the phone, and asking dad to come over so he can fix my problem.

This time I decided to do it myself, and let dad enjoy his Sunday morning...and afternoon...I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

I have one of these in my toilet tank:



It's your classic float ball set-up. Well, many months earlier I purchased a unit to replace it, as shown below:



Behold the FLUID MASTER!! It's just a better mousetrap. Well, because I'm known to procrastinate, I never replaced the old set-up, and things were going fine...until the night of the party (Gillespie:Unplugged )

Now, I don't want to go blaming anyone for "breaking" the toilet, because truth be told, the flush valve was hooked to the flush handle with a piece of plastic, which just broke...so, Sue, I will not bring up the party responsible in any fashion whatsoever, because, Sue, it could have happened to anyone.

So, anyway, Becky told me the toliet was broken at the beginning of the party. I was able to rig it up to still flush, cautiously, and it made it through the night. Sunday, after I cleaned up the aftermath of the party, I decided to upgrade to the Fluid Master.

Should only take about 20 minutes, right?

Step 1: Turn off water. Check.
Step 2: Empty tank completely. Check.
Step 3: Remove old fill valve.

It was step three. Damn step three. I was twisting that fill valve for all I was worth, and it was NOT budging. I twisted and turned and pulled. No dice. I put the wrench in the toilet tank and twisted. That's when I heard a crack...I broke the overflow tube...cracked it right off.


(overflow tube: white tube. Flush Valve: Red thingy, technical term of course)

After a few minutes of cussing and slamming things, I discovered what most of you probably already know...there is a lock nut under the toilet tank. I tried to loosen it up, but again, no luck. I did the only thing I could think of...I took the whole toilet tank off, turned it upside down, and unscrewed the lock nut. (Bet you thought I was going to say "I called my dad" don't you!!)

I finally removed the old fill valve, replaced it with the Fluid Master, and made a trip to Lowe's to replace the broken overflow tube and flush valve. I return home, replace the broken parts, and hand tighten things up per directions, so as not to "crack the porcelein." I reattached the tank to the toilet, and the water supply line.

I went down and turned the water back on, and ran upstairs to find the water line spewing water!! I ran back down, turned the water back off, ran back upstairs, emptied the tank again, and tightened the lock nut WITH THE WRENCH and the supply line WITH THE WRENCH...screw this hand tightening crap.

Another trip to turn the water back on...SUCCESS!!

Or so I thought.

A few hours later, I saw a little water leaking...from the replaced flush valve UNDER THE TANK!! That's right, folks, I had to turn off the water AGAIN, empty the tank AGAIN, remove the tank AGAIN and tighten the flush valve lock nut. I reassembled, turned the water back on and I'll be a monkey's uncle...it still leaked!!

Turn off the water...
Empty tank...
Remove the tank...
Tighten lock nut WITH WRENCH...
Return tank...
Turn water back on...

This time, it was fine.

THREE HOURS LATER!!!!!!!! Yes, Sue, it only cost $5, but it took me 3 HOURS...not that I'm blaming Sue, of course, cause it could have happened to anybody.

Next time, I think I'll call Dad.

Gillespie: Unplugged

The Date: March 25, 2006
The Time: 7:00pm (Ok, the music started at 9:15)
The Place: El Casa de Gillespie
The Event: Gillespie Unplugged

The stage was set...

The microphone was in place...

And soon, the concert began...

(That's me, singing "Mr. Jones" by the Counting Crows)

The concert was postponed by more than an hour, as we waited for a few last people to arrive, but then the show started. Before I took the stage, Chris Johnson, my friend from the Class of '95, took the mic, and proceeded to warm the crowd up with a heart-warming tale from our childhood. (Thanks, Chris!!) And then, the show began...

I started with a song for the Class of '95, some of whom were in attendance. I managed not too mess up Better Than Ezra's "Good", before moving on to the above mentioned "Mr. Jones." That's were the trouble began.

Right in the middle of the chorus, I started singing the wrong words, and I froze. I managed to start again, but my confidence was shot. I shed the sweater, and soldiered on.

(Me, having recovered...)

More songs were sung, laughs were had. I past the guitar over to my good friend Big Daddy Staddy, (Dan Stadtmiller of the most kick assin'est band in Columbus, Bad Monkey) and he played some tunes, while the whole party sang along.

(Me and Freaky von Teaky, (Brian Wilhelm) singing Dead or Alive...Big Daddy Staddy on the axe)

As Dan played, we had some guest singers...Brian (above) and the lovely and talented Ella Hoke(below).

(Ella wowing the crowd as Burchie (Shannon Burch) looks on, and sings along)

Then, we danced...

(Me and Ella doing the Jimmy Fallon dance)

And toasted the evening...

(Toasting the night)

Fun was had by all, I hope. If you were there, post me a comment...and most of all, thanks for coming and rockin' out!!

(Special thanks to Big Daddy Staddy for the great tunes while I danced like a fool!!...and mixin' up the great drinks...and making the invitations...WHAT A GREAT GUY!!)

(Also, special thanks to my beautiful bartender, Becky, who slung the drinks like a pro!!)

Me Irish Eye's Are Smilin'

Top O' the Morning to ya, my fellow lads and lassies!! 'Tis time for a wee bit o' celebration to commemorate St. Patrick's Day...the only saint to actually have a "holiday" that we here in the United States actually recognize with any zeal what-so-ever.

Having been told that my last name (Gillespie) is of Irish decent, coupled with my blind faith acceptance of that fact, I am a huge supporter and follower of this great holiday.

But what do we know about St. Patrick and his great holiday? Well, I did a little research and found some interesting things out.

1. St. Patrick is the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland. He was sold as a slave in his youth, but escaped and put his efforts into all things religion in order to help the Irish people.

2. That shamrock St. Patrick is holding? He used it to symbolise the Holy Trinity (The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit), and how they are all seperate elements of the same entity.

3. Green is associated with St Patrick's Day because it is the color of Spring, Ireland, and the shamrock.

4. After St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, he waved his magic shamrock and millions of leprechauns sprouted and turned the entire country green...from the grass, to people's clothing, the rivers, and they even turned baby's poop green...a tradition that still lives on today!!

(Ok, so St. Patrick didn't run snakes out of Ireland, sprout Leprechauns or do anything else in the last statement...where's your sense of humor people??)


Anyway, regardless of what you believe, St. Patrick's day should be celebrated. Even if you aren't religious, it still symbolises the changing of the seasons...even if you aren't Irish is still gives you a reason to wear those hilarious "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons...and most importantly, St. Patrick's day give you an excuse to communicate with your fellow man, woman and child in a broken, poor Irish accent without being criticized too harshly.

Me Irish eyes are smiling', so in closing I would like to leave you with two things...

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be ever at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall softly on your fields
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand

and secondly...

May those who love us,
love us;and those who don't love us,
may God turn their hearts;
and if He doesn't turn their hearts,
may he turn their ankles
so we'll know them by their limping.

Flu Me? Flu You!!

Thursday began like any other day. Wake up late...get to work late...sit around. You know, normal stuff. By lunch time, then normal day was quickly being invaded by coughing, body aches, and fatigue.

By the five o'clock whistle, my behind couldn't get out of the chair.

The flu got me, brothers and sisters, and it got me hard. By 5:15, I had a sweater, two pair of socks and two blankets on me. A dose of medicine was administered, but it was in vain. Thursday night was horrible. The chills were monumental. After tossing and turning all night, sweating a river onto my pillow, and just not having a very good night, my fever broke, and I felt a little better.

I thought.

Friday morning I had four blankets on me, and I still couldn't keep my teeth from chattering.

It finally went away, thank goodness, just in time for Becky to get it. I tried my best to take care of her like she took care of me. She's feeling better now, too, so I guess all is well.

The flu sucks.

Funny Names

Names can be funny. No, I'm not talking about names that'll get your kid beat up (has anyone seen the show on MTV with the dude...yes, dude...named ASHLEY PARKER ANGEL?? Come on, who names their boy Ashley, especially when the last name is Angel?)

I'm talking funny names more like the ones Bart Simpson comes up with on the longest running animated sitcom of all times, The Simpsons.

You know... Amanda Hugenkiss...Oliver Clothesoff...Mike Rotch...and the ever famous Seymour Butz.

These are classics.

Well, driving home from work the other day, I saw a sign for a Sheriff canidate in the upcoming town elections whose name was Richard Funch. If my name was Dick Funch, I think I'd go by Richard, too.

Here are 5 more funny names of people I actually know where real.

# 5: Woodrow Stinger: One of my personal favorites, Woodrow Stinger evokes a twinge in my man regions everytime I hear the name. Of course, you have to remember that Woodrow was once a nickname for the little guy downstairs.

# 4: Richard Burns: "Oh, my Dick Burns..." No explanation needed.

# 3: Waqar Butt: No, I'm not making this up...how could I make that up? Waqar...for those of you who just don't see it, I prononce WACK-AR (Do I have to spell it out? Wack Her Butt!!!

# 2: Anita Head: Yup, another real person...

# 1: Norma Weinerholden: She was actually a student where my cousin works...the name speaks for itself.

Know any weird named people? I mean real people, not Simpson knock offs. Leave a comment and let me know!!

Keepin' It Real

Not much happenin', but I have to keep the people happy. So *cough* Hank *cough* this post is for you!! Click on the link, and enjoy!!


http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0206/rkelly/

The Final Table

The pressure had been mounting all night. Play smart, play well, and above all, win. It wasn't the $5 buy-in that was at stake, it was pride. I threw my five bucks on the table, adjusted my Salty Dog hat, and assumed my game face.

I closed my eyes and saw the 1991 Chicago Bulls in their pre-game huddle.

"WHAT TIME IS IT???"

"GAME TIME!!"

Texas Hold 'Em may be a game of skills to some, but I think it is a game of luck, by and large. Yes, you do have to know what to do with the cards when you get them, when to bluff, when to hold and fold...but if you don't get the cards, you're just screwed. I was having a fairly consistent night out of the gate. Win some, lose some. To my left lurked Becky, "The Black Widow" ominously looking for the right moment to attack. Next to her was Billy "The Kid", guns drawn and ready for action. Across the table sat Dave, "Big D", arguably the most experienced and skilled of all the players. To my right was Scott, "Crankenstein"...a formidable opponent who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

The blinds started at 10/20, and the action was furious. It was when they reached 50/60 that things started to change. "The Kid" was feelin' loose all night, betting on a crap hand, betting on a great hand...eventually, he was stomped out by "Big D".

The first casualty of the night.

The chips had been fairly even until "The Kid" was put out, at which point "Crankenstein" began to run the table. His no non-sense approach (coupled with the fact that he had a lot of chips and could play any hand without much trouble) made him nearly un-beatable. "Big D" knew that, so he went all in.

"The Black Widow" followed her prey and matched "Big D's" bet, but when the cards flopped, "Big D's" hand was too much for her. A few hands later, "Big D" successfully put "The Black Widow" out.

It was down to three.

"Big D" and my chips were about even, but we knew we had a long way to go to catch "Crankenstein." The deal came, and I was staring at pocket ten's. "Crankenstein" folded, but "Big D" stayed. The flop came, and I hit trip 10's. I pushed all in. "Big D" called.

I stood up and flipped the 10's over. Once "Big D" saw I had him beat, he slammed his huge forearm on the table, and in a cloud of curse words, flung his cards at me. I had doubled up, and "Big D" was seriously short stacked.

"Crankenstein" sensing both "Big D's" frustration and his own discomfort with the chairs, tried to call for a three way pot split. $5 for "Big D", $10 for him and $10 for me.

He asked me one hand too late.

I felt like I could actually pull this off. I felt like the momentum had shifted my way. I declined his offer, and we played on. The next hand, I flopped a full house, and "Big D" was out.

The chips were nearly even going into the final two players. The blinds raised up to $1.00/$2.00 per hand. "Crankenstein" took a few hands, I took a few hands...the chips stayed about even. Something had to give.

The cards were dealt, and the flop came club, club, club. Having a club in my hand, I felt good about a flush. The next card came...club. I was looking at my chips, wondering how much to bet on my flush, when "Crankenstein," in obvious pain from the folding chair, pushed his chips in.

"That's it, I'm all in."

It didn't take me long to follow him in.

He turned over the 2 of clubs, and proclaimed he had a flush. It didn't matter, cause I did, too...and my club was the ACE.

"Crankenstein" took one look at the ACE, said "Thank God, it's over," and walked out of the room. I looked at the "Black Widow," told her to grab the money ($25 pot), and together, we got out of dodge...VICTORIOUS!!

The Final Table

Tonight is a big night.

Tonight I get to see if the countless hours of Arm-Chair Texas Hold 'Em Quarterbackin' will pay off. I am going to compete in my first Texas Hold 'Em tournament. I have the knowledge from The World Series of Poker (check your local listings for times and channels), I have my floppy Salty Dog hat to cover my eyes, and I have my $5 buy in. I'm ready to rumble.

Before I meet the likes of $2 Doli, Big Mama, and the Blackwidow, I must first take a crash corse from the greatest player of our generation...the Gambler.

He gave me some good advice, but what sticks with me is the following:

1. You have to know when to hold 'em.
2. Know when to fold 'em.
3. Know when to walk away.
4. Know when to run.

Good advice. The last thing the Gambler told me was:

1. Never, ever ever ever... under any circumstances, NEVER count your money when you're sitting at the table, cause there will be time for countin' ... when the dealing is done.

Now THAT is an ACE I can keep.

Thanks, Gambler!! Wish me luck!!

I Suck at Predictions!!

Well, it seems my predictions were about as good as the game itself...which isn't saying much. Here is the final tally on Tony's Top Ten Super Bowl XL Predictions.


click on picture for larger view

As you can see, the Bettis "Detroit Story" prediction, the Shaun Alexander prediction, and the "No Wardrobe Malfunction" prediction are the only 3 I actually got right. (Unless you count the fact that the Steelers won, and the Seahawks lost...sorry to commtentor, James, who said the 'Hawks were gonna win.)

If you were curious, mom and dad joined Becky and I to watch the game, so I wasn't alone!!

TONY'S TOP TEN SUPER BOWL XL PREDICTIONS

The National Football League is holding Super Bowl XL (that's 40, for those of you who don't read Roman Numerals) in Detroit, Michigan this Sunday, the 5th day of February. The game will feature the Steelers of Pittsburgh, vs the Seahawks of Seattle. In keeping with the festive nature surrounding the game, I felt it necessary for me to don my Nostradamus hat, and make a few predictions about the game.

Without further ado, here are:

TONY'S TOP TEN SUPER BOWL XL PREDICTIONS

VS.



1. The Pittsburgh Steelers will be victorious, scoring 35 points.

2. The Seattle Seahawks will be defeated, scoring 24 points.

3. Jerome "The Bus" Bettis will score a rushing touchdown, throw his arms in the air and scream...then the camera will cut to his parents cheering in the crowd, while the announcer talks about how "The Bus's parents have never missed one of their son's games."


Jerome Bettis

4. The announcers will re-hash the whole "This is Bettis's last game, and how fitting is it that it is in his hometown of Detroit" story at least 5 times, and I also predict an NFL Sob Story "Looking Back" segment before the game that features Bettis and his career, and the Detroit link.

5. Ben Roethlisberger will pass for 350 yards...

6. ...he also will gain MVP honors. (I wouldn't be surprised if Bettis gets the MVP, seeming the Detroit connection, and the fact this is his last game...in his hometown).

7. Seahawk running back, and MVP of the NFL, Shaun Alexander will rush for under 100 yards.

Shaun Alexander being gang tackled.

8. After the Steelers gain the victory, the announcers will be quick to make comparisons between Ben Roethlisberger and Patriots QB Tom Brady. I also predict the announcers will go as far to say the Steelers will be the next NFL Dynasty.

9. Aretha Franklin WILL NOT have a wardrobe malfunction while singing the national anthem, and by the grace of God, neither will Keith Richards while performing at halftime.

10. I will sit alone in front of my 60 inch TV, and cry a single tear because everyone made plans to watch the game with other people.


Check in Monday to see my accuracy rating!!

Pictures of Wanda

Our policy here at "Get Out Of Life Alive" is to never negotiate with Anonymous commentors, lest they gain the upper hand. However, I am ready to break that rule for the Anonymous poster who left a comment on the last blog I wrote (Winnie or Wanda)requesting pictures of Wanda (Lisa Dean Ryan), because they claim that I, of all people, am trying to sway the voting towards Winnie (Danica McKellar).

I should be furious at the accusation. But, I am willing to swallow my feelings and come at this from a true professional approach. Even though it was difficult to find pictures of the lovely Ms. Ryan, I found a couple.





There, Anonymous, are you happy?!?

Winnie or Wanda?

Back when I was a young lad, my brother and I had an ongoing debate. Hopefully, with your help, we can end this battle here and now.

Who's hotter: Winnie or Wanda?

Winnie Cooper was the girl next door on The Wonder Years, and the object of my desires.
(she's the one on the right... SHE'S ON YOUR RIGHT!!)


My brother, being a bit older, prefered Wanda from Doogie Howser M.D.



Well, over the years, the argument died with no clear winner. We moved on to ogle other chicks, but deep inside, the argument still lingers. So, I'll let you decide, and I won't say anything else. BUT, I will leave you with a couple of current pictures of the fair Winnie Cooper, and since a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let them speak for themselves.








Maybe I have one more thing to say...Wanda who?


PS...I know you out there in blogland were hot for Sam on Who's the Boss, so you don't need to tell me that in the comments, ok?

(then)

(NOW)

It Said What?

Part of the duties of my job include imputing the days numbers into a web based database. Why? I don't know, really. I guess so Big Brother can keep an eye on me and "The Man" can keep me down. But regardless of the reasons, I do it.

After I log out of the system, the computer re-directs me to my company's home page so I can read up on all the good things us employees are doing that "The Man" is taking credit for. Well, the last time I was re-directed, the homepage featured a guitar that had a "Play Guitar" strip across it.

Intrigued at to what the guitar would play, I ran my mouse over the strings and heard the following:

-------

Electric Guitar begins roaring
High-Pitched squeaky voice begins to sing:

"Kick Ass...Get Retarded, uh, uh, come on, Get Retarded..."

Music fades

-------

I was shocked!! This on a major company's web site? I listened again, because maybe, just maybe they weren't saying what I thought. A little banner in the corner said "Get Rockin'" But I'm positive the guitar didn't say Get Rockin'.

The second time I heard Kick It...but still Get Retarded. I couldn't hear anything else.

I asked my co-worker what she thought. She listened a few times, and said it sounded like Get Retarded, but maybe it was Get Me Started. Whatever!!

I listened a few more times, then called the only person who could help me figure out the problem:




Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas.


Fergie: "Yo, who dis?"

Me: "Hey Fergie, sup girl?"

Fergie: "Hey, Playa, where you been, kid?"

Me: "You knows, I'm busy...gots stuff to do..."

Fergie: "True."

Me: "Yo, listen to this and tell me what you hear."

Fergie: "Bring it, Playa."

I proceeded to play the guitar with the questionable lyrics.

Fergie: "Whose dat liftin' our lyrics without permission?"

(Note: For those of you not in the know, the Black Eyed Peas sing a song called "Let's Get Retarded" which the radio station forced them to Politically Correct to "Let's Get it Started.")

Me: "I KNOW!"

Fergie: "Yo, playa, I gotta bounce..."

After she hung up, I realized I forgot to ask her if the guitar lady was "liftin" "Let's Get Retarded" or "Let's Get is Started."

Oh, well. Fergie's pissed (and not in her pants this time).



(Side note: Fergie claims she in the picture, the offending spot is sweat. Right...)

Angry Colts Rant

I live in Indiana.

We love the Hoosiers, the Pacers and the Colts...even when all of the above are losing. Even though it was heartbreaking to see the Colts lose this past Sunday, they really didn't deserve to win (judging by the way they played the opening 3 quarters.)

On ESPN yesterday, I heard former QB Ron "Jaws" Jaworski chastise Peyton Manning for publicly criticizing his Offensive line, saying something to the effect of...there is a line you just don't cross, and the line is criticizing your teammates.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to help Peyton out of a jam, and say, emphatically, that THE COLTS OFFENSIVE LINE LOST THE GAME FOR THEM SUNDAY.

Being as I am not an NFL quarterback, I feel I can speak on this subject without backlash from the league, so I will.

If I hear any of the following again, I swear I'll tear out the throat of whoever said it...they include:

1. "That damn Vanderjagt lost the game with his kick."
2. "Peyton chokes in the big games."
3. "I wish I could stab Harper in the leg for not getting around Rothlisberger after that fumble recovery."

or

4. Really any excuse other than the Offensive line blew it.

The only stat you need to know is this...

First 16 games of the season, Peyton Manning was sacked a TOTAL of 17 times (about one per game).

Sunday, he was sacked 5. FIVE TIMES!!

Now, if Peyton had protection, he could have scrambled in the pocket more, found some receivers, and drove the ball down field. Unfortunately, the O line didn't get it right until the 4th Quarter, and by then it was too late. We scored 3 in the first 3 quarters, and 15 in the 4th.

Vanderjagt missed the field goal, and I don't care. If we would have won, it would have been tainted, because Troy Polamalu INTERCEPTED that Manning pass, plain and simple. It shouldn't have been overturned. The referee even said so after the game.

We made it close, and I, as a fan of fairplay, felt a little slimey about coming that close to robbing Pittsburgh of the game. We blew it, (and by we, I of course mean the Offensive line.)

So say what you will about the Colts choking, but don't chastise Manning, who has been brilliant this season, for the shortcomings of his offensive line on Sunday.

Those Young Whipper Snappers!!

Location: Taco Bell drive-thru

Female Taco Bell employee grabs my food from Male Taco Bell employee, and leans out the window.

Taco Bell Girl: "He's so Ghetto, he was tryin' to tag your bag!!"

Me: "Yo, that playa's whack!!"*

* I actually laughed and shook my head in agreement.

What exactly does being "ghetto" mean? And for that matter, what does tagging my bag mean? Man, I'm getting old.

Wherever the Red Dot Goes, YA BANG!!

Have you ever seen these laser pointer thingy-mo-bobbers? You know, the little keychain deals that jack-assed adolencence take to the local Multi-Plex Movie House and shine the little dot on Julia Roberts's toothy grin, or Angelina Jolie's big, big .... er ... lips?

Ok, my question is:

Who the heck was the genius who thought this was a good idea?

Genius: "I'm tired of pointing at that presentation with my finger. What can I invent that would allow me to not have to use my finger, AND I can shine it from across the room?"

Non- Genius: "I don't know, I'm too dumb to think up any inventions."

Genius: "Ah, I have it!! I will have a laser beam across the room, and it will to the trick?"

Non- Genius: "But what if someone shines the laser in their eye?"

Genius: "Shut up!!"

So, the laser pointer was born. Hello, genius...

1. What if someone points the laser beam in their eye?

Answer: Put on a disclaimer.

2. What if an illiterate or small child gets it?

Answer: Shut Up!!

3. Most importantly, haven't you ever seen a movie with a gun? Hello?!? RED LASER POINTER ON THE GUNS!!

"Wherever the red dot goes, YA BANG!!" (Come on, people, go watch Friday the 13th Part 6 for the love of God!!)

Answer: None...come on genius, make the laser blue, at least!!

(NOTE: Don't shine the laser pointer where people are...I shone it down the hallway here at work to see how far the beam went, and some guy came around the corner, dropped to his knees, pee'd his pants, and started sucking his thumb. Sorry about that!!)

Ok, I've lost my train of thought, and I can't see out of my left eye because this laser beam really shouldn't be pointed directly at your eye!!

Who Are You?

Monday mornings are the worst. After adjusting yourself to stay up as late as possible on the weekends, along creeps Monday morning to snap you back to reality with a judo chop.

After waking up slightly late, I rushed to take a shower, got dressed and grabbed all the necessities for the work day ahead. Unfortunately, I forgot one crutial element.

No, it wasn't my pants, you perverts!!

It was my security badge.

You see, the building I work in is all James Bond and stuff. Very high tech, very Top Secret, very secured. You need a badge to enter, even if you work in the Document Center like I do. My office is directly inside the back door, and I talk to, or at least see, nearly everyone in the building, everyday. Basically, I am very well known within the building.

(Please refer to Movin' On Up if you don't believe me.)

I decided to keep on truckin' to work, since I was half-way there already, late, and too lazy to drive back to the house and go inside to retrieve my badge. I figured a couple of things could happen:

1. Someone would be outside smoking, and they would let me in.
2. I could get to work, and use the cell phone to call my co-worker to let me in.
3. I could pound on the door until someone heard it, and let me in.

Being the lazy person I am, I didn't want to expend the effort to call my co-worker, and pounding on the door is so rude, I decided to wait for a smoker. Soon after I arrived at the back door, the garage door opened. It wasn't a smoker, but it was my way in.

The lady who opened the door was from the Data Center. She was a pleasant women whom I spoke to often. Seeing my opportunity, I slipped in under the garage door, waved hello to the Data Center lady and made my way to a second door which opens up five feet away from my office.

But that door, too, needed the badge to be opened.

I patiently waited for the Data Center lady to finish her business with the Security tape delivery guy, then I asked her politely if she would let me in, as I had forgotten my badge.

Her: "What's your name?"
Me: Stunned "Uh, Tony, I work right across the hall."
Her: "Tony what?"

At this point I was stunned beyond belief. I've worked here for 5 years and you are asking me who I am? I stuttered my full name, and proceeded to provide her with enough nervous information to make an innocent man seem guilty.

Finally, she agreed, only after I walked her the full five feet to my office, showed her my desk (which has a picture of me on it) and had my co-worker vouch for me (which she reluctantly did, because she thought Data Center lady was just kidding, too.)

Needless to say, I never leave the house without my security badge anymore, and I make sure everytime I see Data Center lady in the hall, I greet her by name, just to make sure she knows I exist.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, kids, we did it. We survived the holidays. We survived the turkey, we survived the visitation of 50 places, we survived the Christmas decorations and the continuous loop of Christmas songs which was layed upon us starting in October.

The point is, it is 2006...the holidays are over!!

Did you have a good holiday, fine reader? I certainly hope so. I had a very nice Christmas, and a fine, fine New Year's. (I would like to take a moment to warn you about the film Wolf Creek...if you haven't sat through this movie yet, SAVE YOUR MONEY!! We went and watched it Christmas day and it was bad...really, really bad!!)

Anyhoo, sorry for the aside. Like any rational American, New Year's is a time for resolutions. So, this year, I think I was able to come up with a few that I'm sure I can stick with. So, without further ado, here are my New Year's resolutions for the year Two double-0 Six.

#1: Work Less. I think work dominates so many of our lives that we forget sometimes about the things that are most important. Family, friends, health, etc. Of course, work doesn't even come close to dominating my life, so working even less is going to be really hard. But that's why they call it a resolution!! They are suppose to be hard!!

#2: More Me Time. Kickin' back on a Sunday and watching the Colts win the Super Bowl...cataloging some records...taking a cat nap with my cat. These are a few of my favorite things, and thusly, I pledge to make more time for them in 2006.

#3: Blog More. Gotta keep my two readers satisfied with more of what they crave...me. How can I argue with that? Like I've always heard, the customer is always right!! (Yes, you are the customer in this situation...and if you want more, than who am I to stop that? Really, who the heck am I?)

So, that's it. I didn't want to make too many because a man can only do so much. I'm not a robot here, people!! Hopefully, I can stick with my goals, and make this the best year ever!!

A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye in the past. You say it's "naughty," while I inevitably say "nice." You say "coal," and I say "candy."

It's a viscous circle, Santa, and it needs to stop this year. I have a few issues we need to discuss.

First, we need to discuss the whole "coming down the chimney" thing. Since we have no chimney, and I really don't feel comfortable leaving my door unlocked, I think it would be best if you give me a call before you come to my house. I'm sure you have a cell phone so Mrs. Claus can call you five million times during the night, so it shouldn't be a problem for you to give me a call.

Secondly, I will not be leaving cookies this year, Pudgy, cause I've seen your waistline, and it isn't exactly svelte. I'll leave some milk...skim, but the cookies will be replaced with a nice Rice Cake.

Thirdly, with all of the aforementioned weight you've packed on from those cookies, I would appreciate it if you didn't land on the roof, cause last year I had a heck of a time fixing the structural damage you caused...and do you know how hard it is to get frozen reindeer "presents" off of grey shingles?!? Yeah, Rudolph may love the extra stop you make at White Castle, but trust me, the White Castles don't like Rudolph!!

Fourthly, I dig the red and white hat...the red and white coat is even alright. But the red pants? Overkill. And with black boots? Looks like someone needs to sign you up for "What Not To Wear," or "Queer Eye For The Santa Guy."

Fifthly, dude, can't you do something about this damn cold weather? I mean, seriously, it's cold here in Indiana!!

I've added my Christmas Wish List via an attachment to this email, I hope your computer can support it's size. Let me know if you can't open it...Oh, and if you let me know the addresses of the "naughty" girls, I would be happy to give them a visit and put some coal in their stockings (girls over 18 only, please!!)

Have a Happy Christmas, Santa, and a prosperous New Year!!

Love, Tony

(PS, I mean it about those White Castles!! I've never had Reindeer Jerky, but I'm willing to try it!!)

Gloves vs. Mittens

If you live in in the Mid-West, the Cornbelt, Up North, or the Bible Belt, you know a thing or two about cold weather. I live in Indiana where cold weather is abundant come winter-time. Having a job that requires a lot of outdoor activity, you will often find me with my trusty toboggan and a pair of warm gloves.

While driving to do some Christmas shopping this past weekend, Becky wondered aloud which would be more warm, gloves or mittens. The choice seemed obvious to me, gloves. But the debate that followed has made me question the very foundation of all I thought I knew about hand warmth.

Let's see the tale of the tape.

GLOVES


Finger Holes: 4
Thumb Holes: 1
Pros:
*More dexterity due to the separation of all four fingers.
*Ability to make hand signals like "thumbs up!", "OK", and "*@&# YOU!!"
Cons:
*You still think you can grasp things with gloves on...until that soda slips out of your hand and into your lap. Not that it's ever happened to me...I knew a guy, ok?
Style: You can be cool rockin' out in gloves.
Warmth argument: With each finger individually wrapped, it's like a heater for each of your digits.

MITTENS



Finger Holes: 1
Thumbs Holes: 1
Pros:
*You always have that "Grandma knitted my hand-warmers" look.
*A mittened wave is way cuter than a gloved wave.
Cons:
*You can't pick up anything without the use of both hands.
*Unlocking doors is difficult.
Style: You may not look sporty, but you will have that "cuddly" quality.
Warmth argument: Fingers can generate body warmth by touching each other.

CONVERTIBLE GLOVES



Finger holes: 4, or 1...no, wait 5
Thumb Holes: 1
Pros:
*You have the best of both worlds...glove or mitten.
Cons:
*These gloves are also known as "Glittens" and that's a pretty gay sounding name for a product (not that Convertible gloves is much better).
*Loss of all respect while wearing the "Glittens".
Style: HA HA HA!! You're kidding, right?
Warmth Argument: Since the glove half is fingerless, I would say, see Mitten section.

While some people enjoy the flexibility of the glove, the confinement of the mitten, or the public ridicule of the "Glitten", the question isn't look or functionality, it's warmth.

Does the individual finger warmers of the glove or the body heat furnace of the mitten generate more heat? Being a glove guy myself, I thought gloves. However, a recent study was done by a group of 5th to 8th graders who were sent out to brave the cold to determine which actually kept hands warmer.

THE RESULTS

Believe it or not, Mittens keep your hands warmer than gloves because mittens "cut down on the surface area that is exposed to the air."

Ed. Note: "Glittens" were not tested in this experiment. Those little bastards!!

So, next time you are going to be standing out in the cold weather, bring a pair of mittens. If you need to actually use your hands for anything except waving, bring some gloves.