Devil Party 6/6/06

My friend Shannon is the devil.

Well, I should explain he isn't really the devil, but he does have the dubious distinction of having been born on the day of the devil...June 6th, which we all know this year made the date 6/6/06. What better way to celebrate this once in a lifetime date, than with a devil party!!

The first step was transforming the basement of Shannon's house into Satan's Lair.



Basement Before:


Basement After:

(Special thanks to Rob Zombie for standing in the corner all night!!)

Becky and I prepared ourselves, and headed out to the great event...




(Cape made by the talented Becky).


(The Lovely - and talented - Becky)

We arrived at 6:06 and proceeded to party down to a mix of Devilish tunes:

Devil Inside...Running With the Devil...Shout at the Devil...Devil Went Down to Georgia (which is a great tune to "Lord of the Dance" to)...Sympathy for the Devil...Ok, you get the picture.

The guests arrived in their various Devil attire.


(Brian and Christy sporting their Me So Horny
shirts...guess the honeymoon isn't over for these
crazy kids!!)


(Toby sporting an AC/DC shirt with Rob. Either
Rob is extremely short, or Toby is 8 feet tall!!)




(Ella and Jason came with HOT shirts on)


(And Shannon, the birthday boy, dressed as
Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots...I
guess he thought he was devilish.)

The party was awesome for several hours. We did some things that should not be repeated to the world (you know, secret sacrifice things). I can't show you very many other pictures, cause I don't want to embarrass anyone who was at the party (and because I know there are some real crazy pictures of me out there, and I need to "scratch their backs" so they don't put a knife in mine if you know what I mean!!)

Let's just leave it at this:



(Scott Weiland - I mean Shannon, Brian, Toby,
Me, FRONT: Rob Zombie)

6/6/06

Have a Devil of a day!!

Drug Problem # 2

If anyone knows what this sign means, please let me know!!



(Sign on the side of a flower store.)

And I thought THIS was bad!!

The Dangling Item

There are only a few good things about going to work. Ok, maybe there isn't anything good about going to work, but one good thing at work is the Office Vending Machine.

Ah, the vending machine...providing me with a little something on the maid's day off, or, more appropriately, on the mornings I get up so late I forget to grab a Toaster Pastry. The Office Vending Machine also is a good topic of conversation:

"Hey, Mike, did you see there are Powdered Donuts behind the Danish Roll?"

"Damn, I need to find someone to buy that Danish Roll!!" (NOTE: Fat chance of that, Mike!!)

Today, as the day was winding down, I decided to grab a candy bar from the Vending Machine, you know, just to take the edge off...I can quit anytime I want!! Anyway, as I scanned the Vending Machine for the 3 Musketeer bars, I noticed every Vending Machine snacker's dream.

The dangling item.

Oh, yeah, you know what I mean. The dangling item occurs when the poor fool before you inserts their money, only to watch in horror as the coil twists, and said selection gets stuck before it falls to the tray below. The selection in question...Hostess Twinkies.

Mmmm...Twinkies.

Seeing the dangling item, I acted fast. I quickly surveyed the breakroom to see if anyone was around. I was in luck...no one was even lurking in the hallway. I put my hand on the top of the machine, tipped it off the ground a few inches, and let it careen to the floor. The whole machine rattled, but the Twinkies held their ground.

I repeated my gameplan a few more times.

Look, lift, drop, repeat.

Same results.

Knowing that Twinkie was stuck for good, I had to make a quick decision. I could either:

1. Let that Twinkie dangle, get the 3 Musketeer and be happy with my lower calorie decision.

or

2. Go for the double. Buy one Twinkie and get the second one free.

I should have went with the lower calorie 3 Musketeer, because, as you know, it now has half the fat...but I didn't.

I did the double.

I took my two packages of Twinkies back to the office, ate a pack, and put one back for later. Now I have heartburn, probably well deserved, but who can resist the Dangling Item??

So You Want To Be a Rock and Roll Star

I knew it was bound to happen. Somewhere, somehow, and, most importantly, sometime. Bedford was the somewhere, and the sometime was Saturday, May 13th.

I became a rock 'n roller.

Becky, my friend Toby, and I traveled way down south, to Bedford to watch Bad Monkey perform. (For those of you not in the know, Bad Monkey is a Smokin' Hot band from the Columbus, Indiana area consisting of Dan Stadtmiller on lead vocals and guitar, Hiram Davis on vocals and guitar, Travis on the drums, and Double D...Doug Dishman on bass.)

Soon after arriving, Dan began his usual inquiry about me performing a song with them. Of course, I always would make like the Magic 8 Ball and say "Maybe", "Ask again later", and "Outlook Not Good." On that night, however, "All Signs Pointed to Yes."

In the middle of the second set, I could see Dan was having a little trouble battling a bout of Bronchitis. His vocals were good, but not the normal strong vocals I was accustomed to hearing. Then, my moment came.

Dan: "Man, I'm dyin' up here, people. I'm gonna need a little help on this next number. Tony Gillespie, buddy, I need you to sing this one."

Me: Looking shocked and surprised - "Wha? Me? What song?"

Dan: "Hey Joe."

I pushed the chair back and walked to the stage to perform Jimi Hendrix's first single from 1966, "Hey Joe."

Hiram tore out the opening riff, and I was off. I made it through the first verse pretty well. I forgot my place once, but was able to fake it through...no one noticed. I had trouble figuring out where to come in on the second verse due to the extended solo Hiram was lying down, but I jumped in and finished the tune up strong.

My first real performance! (NOTE: Gillespie: Unplugged and Red Faced on Red House do not technically qualify because, while a lot of people were present, they weren't actual paid gigs for me ... no this one wasn't, either, but it was for Bad Monkey...you get the idea.)

I received some positive feedback from the crowd, and I felt great to be able to have the confidence to even try it. I credit Dan for that. Overall, I think I did alright!!

But, please, no autographs!!

Black Dress Blues: UPDATE!!

I don't like to leave you guys hangin' ... I decided to take a visual poll to see how many guests at the wedding wore black dresses, just to see if it is as "faux paus" as Becky had thought it to be.

Here are the results:

Total # of women wearing black dresses to the wedding: 15 *

Oh yeah, I guess black is the new...um, whatever color people use to wear to weddings!!

(* results not typical. 15 black dress total based on a Catholic wedding in 2006 with a full house of guests. Women were looked at based solely on their dress color...because why else would I look at a woman?)

I Pity the Fool

My cousin, Scott, works at a college. I'm not at liberty to say which one, not because I shouldn't, just because I don't think it's important. Anyway, he does some financial aid stuff there, and he decided one day to make a little inspirational poster for the college.



(For those of you not in the know,
this handsome fella is Mr. T, who was
on a show called "The A Team"
in the '80's . I removed the school's
name from the form he's holding, to
protect the innocent...or in this case,
Scott.)

Well, a co-worker was looking one day for a good marketing scheme to help get the students motivated to accel, so Scott offered up the Mr. T poster. Underneath Mr. T was a blurb that read:

Be a part of the "A" Team!! Join ... (information about the college).

The picture was hilarious in itself, but I pointed out the irony of a school having a poster up that obviously had improper grammar in it. Scott's answer to that made me laugh so hard, I about chocked...

Me: "Don't you think it's bad for the poster to say "I pity the fool, who DON'T stay in school?"

Scott: "Mr T claims poetic license, fool !!"

Man, that's funny...

Congrats!!

Black Dress Blues

There are some stead-fast rules when it comes to fashion. I'm not sure what they are, cause I'm a guy, but I know a few:

1. Never wear white after labor day.
2. Don't mix stripes and plaids.
3. Don't wear your underwear on the outside of your pants (unless you're a superhero)


4. And, if you're a girl, never wear black to a wedding.

Ok, I understand most of these rules (except the lame Labor Day one), but I wanted to dispel the rumor that a woman can't wear black to a wedding.

Why is this a rule? Well, I looked it up, and it seems wearing black to a wedding is considered bad luck to the bride and groom (except for Chinese/Korean weddings, where it is bad luck to wear white...the bride in these cultures usually opts to be draped in a red dress, or a dress made of egg rolls.)

In trying to pick out a dress to wear to my friend Brian's upcoming wedding, Becky pulled a black dress from the closet, and proceeded to ask what I thought about it.

I thought it looked great!!

"But, it's black, and I can't wear black to a wedding!!"

Or could she?

I told her I would take a poll at work to figure out if black was appropriate for a wedding. I strolled over to the Accounting department, which housed the highest concentration of women, and began to bounce from desk to desk asking the simple question:

Is it ok for a woman to wear a black dress to a wedding?

The most common response was, "Is this woman the bride?" To which I would hit them over the head with my clipboard and proclaim them "Queen of the Idiots."

After I polled 11 people, the numbers were staggering:

Yes, it is Ok for a woman to wear a black dress to a wedding = 9

No, it isn't Ok for a woman to wear a black dress to a wedding = 2

The black dress wins!!

The evidence was overwhelmingly in favor of the black dress. I noted that the two NO votes came from woman over age 50, while a majority of the YES votes came from younger women. Maybe it's just a generation thing. Maybe the stigma has faded. Maybe black is the new "It" color for weddings. Maybe I work with a bunch of Marilyn Manson fans.



Friday night, I took my polling data to Becky, so she would know it was indeed acceptable to wear black to a wedding.

Friday night, we went and bought a green dress.

I guess sometimes popular opinion just doesn't matter.

Hold 'Em

The popularity of Texas Hold 'Em Poker is gi-normous right now. You can't even flip through the tv channels without seeing at least 5 different channels featuring the high stakes competitions. Saturday, I was invited to a Hold 'Em game, and I was ready to clean house!!

Many of you faithful readers will remember my previous articleThe Final Table , but that was just a game with family members...this was to be my first REAL competition.

The buy in was $20, which in turn gave you $20 in chips. Once you were out, you could re-buy in, and you could cash out any time. Unlike the previous competitions, this time, you played til you wanted to leave...and took home (or left behind) whatever amount you ended with.

Five players butted up to the table at around 7 pm...After about 4 hours of play, we had our first casualty. I don't recall his name, but I knew him as Crown Royal because it was his drink of choice. A fierce competitor, Crown Royal was down to his final 3.25 before he made his comeback. He called it quits, and cashed out even for the night.

It was down to four.

To my left sat a real high roller named, um, well, I don't recall his name, either, but I think it was John or Josh or something with a "J". For this post, we'll call him J. Now J was the most calculating player on the table. He was tight with his cards, playing a strong, yet conservative game. All night long I starred jealously at his two stacks of chips...one stack was the $20 he began with, the other was the $20 or more he had won.

Across the table was the game's host, Steve. His style was a bit more loose. He would pay to see the flop on a 7/2 off suit (I know, he beat me with it once!!) His stack was fairly consistent all night.

To my right was my friend Toby. By far the loosest player in the game, Toby won some, and lost some, but always did it with a smile.

We traded money for several hours. At around midnight, I was seriously short stacked. With a Queen/4 off suit, and a Queen on the board, I pushed all in. Steve followed, and we flipped our cards. My pair of Queens layed with about a 1% chance of winning over Steve's cards...he had a pair of 2's, and one on the turn made a set.With one card coming, I had only 2 cards that could save me. The Queen of hearts, and the Queen of clubs.

I held my breath as Toby flipped the card.

Queen of Hearts!!I was saved on the river. I was back in the game!!

A half hour later, I had busted out. I bought back in for $10, and around 2:00 that was going fast as well. Toby gave me some sage advice..."Always buy back in BEFORE you bust out." With a few dollars left, I did just that and bought in for another $10.J was gone at this point, cashing out with $20 in one pile, and $20 in the other.

Steve, Toby and I played until a little after 3:00 am. When the chips stopped falling, Toby's advice paid off. I cashed in $37 dollars in chips, which meant I only lost $3 on the night. Steve was even, and Toby was down a little over $20, but he was still smiling...what a guy!!

It was a blast playing, trying to figure out the tells of the other players, and in the end, I walked away with a new respect for the game (which isn't as easy as I thought!!) and with the desire to pull up to the table again in the future.

Huh

Maybe it IS true, what they say...

42,000

Becky: "Ugh, your forehead is filthy."

Me: "Ok."

Becky: "You really should wash your face more often."

Me: "Yeah, I probably should."

Becky: "You know that for night you go to bed without washing your face, your skin ages seven years?"

Me: "Seven years? That doesn't sound right...you sure it isn't seven days?"

Becky: "No, I'm pretty sure it's seven years."

Me: "Well, that means if I didn't wash my face an average of 300 times a year, for 20 years, that makes me 42,000 years old!!"

Becky: "No."

Me: "20 years, times 300 days, times 7 years per night equals 42,000."

Becky: "YOU aren't 42,000 years old, but your face is!!"

CHAMPIONS

11 teams entered...one team leaves.

Congratulations are in order for my wonderful team on a job well done, not only in winning the Greensburg Co-Ed Volleyball League (48-12), but also for showing so much heart in winning the Greensburg Co-ed Volleyball League Tournament, despite only having 5 people.

Not only did we win it, we owned it, going a staggering 12-0.

Even though you guys may never read this, Brian, Andy, Ella, Becky...congrats on one of the best tourneys I've ever been a part of...and to Teri, Nancy, and, of course, Big D, thanks for helping make this the best season we've ever had, while faces the best opponents the league has ever seen.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS !!



(Special thanks to Hank, who "let" me block him twice in the semi-finals...your team deserves a lot of credit, too, for matching our 48-12 record during the season, but coming up just a little short on points, which gave us the title. Great season!!)

Failure to (Get the Movie) Launch (ed)

I like the rain. It soothes, it cleanses, it smells good, it washes my car...

In Indiana, we have a lot of storms. Some tame, some extremely not tame. Friday, the 31st, we had one such "not tame" storm. Hurricanes blew through a few towns, and virtually all of Indiana was blanketed in thunderstorms.

Before the storms began, Becky and I decided it would be fun to go to the movies. She picked out the flick and the time (cause I'm too lazy) and it was settled. Failure to Launch, 7:10 pm.


(Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey
Failure to Launch)

We found our seats, sat through a half hour of previews, and began laughing at the movie. At about 8:15, the sound cut out of the movie. People were beginning to shift in their seats. This went on for about 5 minutes before the movie cut out completely.

A girl with a red hat and tie came in and walked quickly to the front of the theatre.

"There is a tornado WARNING, everyone needs to leave the theatre immediately!!"

Before we could react, a second theatre employee came in, flapping his arms while he repeated "NO NO NO..."

They both left, which caused an uneasy feeling in my fellow movie goers. What do we do? Stay? Go?

Suddenly, a short, thin employee entered the theatre, and announced, with a Chris Farley voice:


(Chris Farley as Matt Foley - motivational speaker
the theatre guy sounded like him, but never mentioned a
"Van down by the River.")

"Everybody needs to calm down!! There is a Tornado Warning until 8:45 pm!! Do not leave the theatre!! Everybody needs to get against the wall!!" (Sorry for going all willy-nilly with the exclamation points, but he was pretty adamant!!)

People began to whip out their cell phones as the scurried to the sides of the theatre. Becky and I remained in our seats. I figured I could always get under the theatre seats if anything began falling. Becky said I wouldn't fit, which almost prompted me to demonstrate that I would, but the floor was sticky, and it felt unnecessary.

At 8:35, Farley re-entered the room, and told us the movie was about to restart. This was met with glee as everyone began filling their seats once more. The crowd complained about the missing 5 minutes of movie, and asked if the film would be "rewound."

(NOTE: For those of you not in the know, movies come in 5 or more small reels. These reels are then spliced together into one giant reel. Through an intricate process, the movie feeds through a "Brain" and then through the camera. IT CANNOT BE REWOUND without messing us the brain, and whatnot. It's not a dvd up there, it's a big bunch of film that is a pain when broken, or worse, dropped.)

When everyone was in their seats, the lights began to dim, and then we heard the Tornado Sirens blaring once again. The lights came back up, and Farley came in to break the news.

"There is another Tornado Warning until 9:30!! You can leave, but it is at your own will!! Everyone needs to get against the wall!!" (apparently, they HAVE to shut off the movie during severe weather, so as not to "keep us in the dark" about the severe weather.)

We stayed, because we have nothing better to do on a Friday night, and besides, we were cracking up laughing at these people who had apparently never been in a storm before. (NOTE: we were NOT laughing at the people who lost their houses or worse in this or any storm...that is all.)

Finally at 9:30, the movie cranked up again to our delight. People complained about the movie not being "rewound" and were told to see the manager after the show. Come on, people!! This isn't a complex plot here...how hard is it to figure out what happened in those 5 minutes of silence?

At 10:30, the movie was over...3 and a half hours, and we didn't even see Titanic or Green Mile!! We were content to leave, but we saw the "re-whiners" up getting free passes, so I got in line and picked up a couple, too. Why not? Did I mention the movie was quite funny? It was.

(Oh, I would also like to give a special thanks to the theatre employee with the broom who stood in our theatre during the entire delay...guarding and protecting us with his mighty cleaning spear!! He didn't say anything, but wow, I would have been terrified if not for him.)

Drug Problem

I know Indiana has a bit of a drug problem, but this has crossed the line!!

Toilet Troubles

Plumbing...not my strong suit. Actually, many who know me, know I'm not a very handy guy at all. My fix-it-yourself prowless usually consists of dialing the phone, and asking dad to come over so he can fix my problem.

This time I decided to do it myself, and let dad enjoy his Sunday morning...and afternoon...I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

I have one of these in my toilet tank:



It's your classic float ball set-up. Well, many months earlier I purchased a unit to replace it, as shown below:



Behold the FLUID MASTER!! It's just a better mousetrap. Well, because I'm known to procrastinate, I never replaced the old set-up, and things were going fine...until the night of the party (Gillespie:Unplugged )

Now, I don't want to go blaming anyone for "breaking" the toilet, because truth be told, the flush valve was hooked to the flush handle with a piece of plastic, which just broke...so, Sue, I will not bring up the party responsible in any fashion whatsoever, because, Sue, it could have happened to anyone.

So, anyway, Becky told me the toliet was broken at the beginning of the party. I was able to rig it up to still flush, cautiously, and it made it through the night. Sunday, after I cleaned up the aftermath of the party, I decided to upgrade to the Fluid Master.

Should only take about 20 minutes, right?

Step 1: Turn off water. Check.
Step 2: Empty tank completely. Check.
Step 3: Remove old fill valve.

It was step three. Damn step three. I was twisting that fill valve for all I was worth, and it was NOT budging. I twisted and turned and pulled. No dice. I put the wrench in the toilet tank and twisted. That's when I heard a crack...I broke the overflow tube...cracked it right off.


(overflow tube: white tube. Flush Valve: Red thingy, technical term of course)

After a few minutes of cussing and slamming things, I discovered what most of you probably already know...there is a lock nut under the toilet tank. I tried to loosen it up, but again, no luck. I did the only thing I could think of...I took the whole toilet tank off, turned it upside down, and unscrewed the lock nut. (Bet you thought I was going to say "I called my dad" don't you!!)

I finally removed the old fill valve, replaced it with the Fluid Master, and made a trip to Lowe's to replace the broken overflow tube and flush valve. I return home, replace the broken parts, and hand tighten things up per directions, so as not to "crack the porcelein." I reattached the tank to the toilet, and the water supply line.

I went down and turned the water back on, and ran upstairs to find the water line spewing water!! I ran back down, turned the water back off, ran back upstairs, emptied the tank again, and tightened the lock nut WITH THE WRENCH and the supply line WITH THE WRENCH...screw this hand tightening crap.

Another trip to turn the water back on...SUCCESS!!

Or so I thought.

A few hours later, I saw a little water leaking...from the replaced flush valve UNDER THE TANK!! That's right, folks, I had to turn off the water AGAIN, empty the tank AGAIN, remove the tank AGAIN and tighten the flush valve lock nut. I reassembled, turned the water back on and I'll be a monkey's uncle...it still leaked!!

Turn off the water...
Empty tank...
Remove the tank...
Tighten lock nut WITH WRENCH...
Return tank...
Turn water back on...

This time, it was fine.

THREE HOURS LATER!!!!!!!! Yes, Sue, it only cost $5, but it took me 3 HOURS...not that I'm blaming Sue, of course, cause it could have happened to anybody.

Next time, I think I'll call Dad.

Gillespie: Unplugged

The Date: March 25, 2006
The Time: 7:00pm (Ok, the music started at 9:15)
The Place: El Casa de Gillespie
The Event: Gillespie Unplugged

The stage was set...

The microphone was in place...

And soon, the concert began...

(That's me, singing "Mr. Jones" by the Counting Crows)

The concert was postponed by more than an hour, as we waited for a few last people to arrive, but then the show started. Before I took the stage, Chris Johnson, my friend from the Class of '95, took the mic, and proceeded to warm the crowd up with a heart-warming tale from our childhood. (Thanks, Chris!!) And then, the show began...

I started with a song for the Class of '95, some of whom were in attendance. I managed not too mess up Better Than Ezra's "Good", before moving on to the above mentioned "Mr. Jones." That's were the trouble began.

Right in the middle of the chorus, I started singing the wrong words, and I froze. I managed to start again, but my confidence was shot. I shed the sweater, and soldiered on.

(Me, having recovered...)

More songs were sung, laughs were had. I past the guitar over to my good friend Big Daddy Staddy, (Dan Stadtmiller of the most kick assin'est band in Columbus, Bad Monkey) and he played some tunes, while the whole party sang along.

(Me and Freaky von Teaky, (Brian Wilhelm) singing Dead or Alive...Big Daddy Staddy on the axe)

As Dan played, we had some guest singers...Brian (above) and the lovely and talented Ella Hoke(below).

(Ella wowing the crowd as Burchie (Shannon Burch) looks on, and sings along)

Then, we danced...

(Me and Ella doing the Jimmy Fallon dance)

And toasted the evening...

(Toasting the night)

Fun was had by all, I hope. If you were there, post me a comment...and most of all, thanks for coming and rockin' out!!

(Special thanks to Big Daddy Staddy for the great tunes while I danced like a fool!!...and mixin' up the great drinks...and making the invitations...WHAT A GREAT GUY!!)

(Also, special thanks to my beautiful bartender, Becky, who slung the drinks like a pro!!)

Me Irish Eye's Are Smilin'

Top O' the Morning to ya, my fellow lads and lassies!! 'Tis time for a wee bit o' celebration to commemorate St. Patrick's Day...the only saint to actually have a "holiday" that we here in the United States actually recognize with any zeal what-so-ever.

Having been told that my last name (Gillespie) is of Irish decent, coupled with my blind faith acceptance of that fact, I am a huge supporter and follower of this great holiday.

But what do we know about St. Patrick and his great holiday? Well, I did a little research and found some interesting things out.

1. St. Patrick is the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland. He was sold as a slave in his youth, but escaped and put his efforts into all things religion in order to help the Irish people.

2. That shamrock St. Patrick is holding? He used it to symbolise the Holy Trinity (The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit), and how they are all seperate elements of the same entity.

3. Green is associated with St Patrick's Day because it is the color of Spring, Ireland, and the shamrock.

4. After St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, he waved his magic shamrock and millions of leprechauns sprouted and turned the entire country green...from the grass, to people's clothing, the rivers, and they even turned baby's poop green...a tradition that still lives on today!!

(Ok, so St. Patrick didn't run snakes out of Ireland, sprout Leprechauns or do anything else in the last statement...where's your sense of humor people??)


Anyway, regardless of what you believe, St. Patrick's day should be celebrated. Even if you aren't religious, it still symbolises the changing of the seasons...even if you aren't Irish is still gives you a reason to wear those hilarious "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons...and most importantly, St. Patrick's day give you an excuse to communicate with your fellow man, woman and child in a broken, poor Irish accent without being criticized too harshly.

Me Irish eyes are smiling', so in closing I would like to leave you with two things...

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be ever at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall softly on your fields
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand

and secondly...

May those who love us,
love us;and those who don't love us,
may God turn their hearts;
and if He doesn't turn their hearts,
may he turn their ankles
so we'll know them by their limping.

Flu Me? Flu You!!

Thursday began like any other day. Wake up late...get to work late...sit around. You know, normal stuff. By lunch time, then normal day was quickly being invaded by coughing, body aches, and fatigue.

By the five o'clock whistle, my behind couldn't get out of the chair.

The flu got me, brothers and sisters, and it got me hard. By 5:15, I had a sweater, two pair of socks and two blankets on me. A dose of medicine was administered, but it was in vain. Thursday night was horrible. The chills were monumental. After tossing and turning all night, sweating a river onto my pillow, and just not having a very good night, my fever broke, and I felt a little better.

I thought.

Friday morning I had four blankets on me, and I still couldn't keep my teeth from chattering.

It finally went away, thank goodness, just in time for Becky to get it. I tried my best to take care of her like she took care of me. She's feeling better now, too, so I guess all is well.

The flu sucks.

Funny Names

Names can be funny. No, I'm not talking about names that'll get your kid beat up (has anyone seen the show on MTV with the dude...yes, dude...named ASHLEY PARKER ANGEL?? Come on, who names their boy Ashley, especially when the last name is Angel?)

I'm talking funny names more like the ones Bart Simpson comes up with on the longest running animated sitcom of all times, The Simpsons.

You know... Amanda Hugenkiss...Oliver Clothesoff...Mike Rotch...and the ever famous Seymour Butz.

These are classics.

Well, driving home from work the other day, I saw a sign for a Sheriff canidate in the upcoming town elections whose name was Richard Funch. If my name was Dick Funch, I think I'd go by Richard, too.

Here are 5 more funny names of people I actually know where real.

# 5: Woodrow Stinger: One of my personal favorites, Woodrow Stinger evokes a twinge in my man regions everytime I hear the name. Of course, you have to remember that Woodrow was once a nickname for the little guy downstairs.

# 4: Richard Burns: "Oh, my Dick Burns..." No explanation needed.

# 3: Waqar Butt: No, I'm not making this up...how could I make that up? Waqar...for those of you who just don't see it, I prononce WACK-AR (Do I have to spell it out? Wack Her Butt!!!

# 2: Anita Head: Yup, another real person...

# 1: Norma Weinerholden: She was actually a student where my cousin works...the name speaks for itself.

Know any weird named people? I mean real people, not Simpson knock offs. Leave a comment and let me know!!

Keepin' It Real

Not much happenin', but I have to keep the people happy. So *cough* Hank *cough* this post is for you!! Click on the link, and enjoy!!


http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0206/rkelly/

The Final Table

The pressure had been mounting all night. Play smart, play well, and above all, win. It wasn't the $5 buy-in that was at stake, it was pride. I threw my five bucks on the table, adjusted my Salty Dog hat, and assumed my game face.

I closed my eyes and saw the 1991 Chicago Bulls in their pre-game huddle.

"WHAT TIME IS IT???"

"GAME TIME!!"

Texas Hold 'Em may be a game of skills to some, but I think it is a game of luck, by and large. Yes, you do have to know what to do with the cards when you get them, when to bluff, when to hold and fold...but if you don't get the cards, you're just screwed. I was having a fairly consistent night out of the gate. Win some, lose some. To my left lurked Becky, "The Black Widow" ominously looking for the right moment to attack. Next to her was Billy "The Kid", guns drawn and ready for action. Across the table sat Dave, "Big D", arguably the most experienced and skilled of all the players. To my right was Scott, "Crankenstein"...a formidable opponent who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

The blinds started at 10/20, and the action was furious. It was when they reached 50/60 that things started to change. "The Kid" was feelin' loose all night, betting on a crap hand, betting on a great hand...eventually, he was stomped out by "Big D".

The first casualty of the night.

The chips had been fairly even until "The Kid" was put out, at which point "Crankenstein" began to run the table. His no non-sense approach (coupled with the fact that he had a lot of chips and could play any hand without much trouble) made him nearly un-beatable. "Big D" knew that, so he went all in.

"The Black Widow" followed her prey and matched "Big D's" bet, but when the cards flopped, "Big D's" hand was too much for her. A few hands later, "Big D" successfully put "The Black Widow" out.

It was down to three.

"Big D" and my chips were about even, but we knew we had a long way to go to catch "Crankenstein." The deal came, and I was staring at pocket ten's. "Crankenstein" folded, but "Big D" stayed. The flop came, and I hit trip 10's. I pushed all in. "Big D" called.

I stood up and flipped the 10's over. Once "Big D" saw I had him beat, he slammed his huge forearm on the table, and in a cloud of curse words, flung his cards at me. I had doubled up, and "Big D" was seriously short stacked.

"Crankenstein" sensing both "Big D's" frustration and his own discomfort with the chairs, tried to call for a three way pot split. $5 for "Big D", $10 for him and $10 for me.

He asked me one hand too late.

I felt like I could actually pull this off. I felt like the momentum had shifted my way. I declined his offer, and we played on. The next hand, I flopped a full house, and "Big D" was out.

The chips were nearly even going into the final two players. The blinds raised up to $1.00/$2.00 per hand. "Crankenstein" took a few hands, I took a few hands...the chips stayed about even. Something had to give.

The cards were dealt, and the flop came club, club, club. Having a club in my hand, I felt good about a flush. The next card came...club. I was looking at my chips, wondering how much to bet on my flush, when "Crankenstein," in obvious pain from the folding chair, pushed his chips in.

"That's it, I'm all in."

It didn't take me long to follow him in.

He turned over the 2 of clubs, and proclaimed he had a flush. It didn't matter, cause I did, too...and my club was the ACE.

"Crankenstein" took one look at the ACE, said "Thank God, it's over," and walked out of the room. I looked at the "Black Widow," told her to grab the money ($25 pot), and together, we got out of dodge...VICTORIOUS!!

The Final Table

Tonight is a big night.

Tonight I get to see if the countless hours of Arm-Chair Texas Hold 'Em Quarterbackin' will pay off. I am going to compete in my first Texas Hold 'Em tournament. I have the knowledge from The World Series of Poker (check your local listings for times and channels), I have my floppy Salty Dog hat to cover my eyes, and I have my $5 buy in. I'm ready to rumble.

Before I meet the likes of $2 Doli, Big Mama, and the Blackwidow, I must first take a crash corse from the greatest player of our generation...the Gambler.

He gave me some good advice, but what sticks with me is the following:

1. You have to know when to hold 'em.
2. Know when to fold 'em.
3. Know when to walk away.
4. Know when to run.

Good advice. The last thing the Gambler told me was:

1. Never, ever ever ever... under any circumstances, NEVER count your money when you're sitting at the table, cause there will be time for countin' ... when the dealing is done.

Now THAT is an ACE I can keep.

Thanks, Gambler!! Wish me luck!!

I Suck at Predictions!!

Well, it seems my predictions were about as good as the game itself...which isn't saying much. Here is the final tally on Tony's Top Ten Super Bowl XL Predictions.


click on picture for larger view

As you can see, the Bettis "Detroit Story" prediction, the Shaun Alexander prediction, and the "No Wardrobe Malfunction" prediction are the only 3 I actually got right. (Unless you count the fact that the Steelers won, and the Seahawks lost...sorry to commtentor, James, who said the 'Hawks were gonna win.)

If you were curious, mom and dad joined Becky and I to watch the game, so I wasn't alone!!

TONY'S TOP TEN SUPER BOWL XL PREDICTIONS

The National Football League is holding Super Bowl XL (that's 40, for those of you who don't read Roman Numerals) in Detroit, Michigan this Sunday, the 5th day of February. The game will feature the Steelers of Pittsburgh, vs the Seahawks of Seattle. In keeping with the festive nature surrounding the game, I felt it necessary for me to don my Nostradamus hat, and make a few predictions about the game.

Without further ado, here are:

TONY'S TOP TEN SUPER BOWL XL PREDICTIONS

VS.



1. The Pittsburgh Steelers will be victorious, scoring 35 points.

2. The Seattle Seahawks will be defeated, scoring 24 points.

3. Jerome "The Bus" Bettis will score a rushing touchdown, throw his arms in the air and scream...then the camera will cut to his parents cheering in the crowd, while the announcer talks about how "The Bus's parents have never missed one of their son's games."


Jerome Bettis

4. The announcers will re-hash the whole "This is Bettis's last game, and how fitting is it that it is in his hometown of Detroit" story at least 5 times, and I also predict an NFL Sob Story "Looking Back" segment before the game that features Bettis and his career, and the Detroit link.

5. Ben Roethlisberger will pass for 350 yards...

6. ...he also will gain MVP honors. (I wouldn't be surprised if Bettis gets the MVP, seeming the Detroit connection, and the fact this is his last game...in his hometown).

7. Seahawk running back, and MVP of the NFL, Shaun Alexander will rush for under 100 yards.

Shaun Alexander being gang tackled.

8. After the Steelers gain the victory, the announcers will be quick to make comparisons between Ben Roethlisberger and Patriots QB Tom Brady. I also predict the announcers will go as far to say the Steelers will be the next NFL Dynasty.

9. Aretha Franklin WILL NOT have a wardrobe malfunction while singing the national anthem, and by the grace of God, neither will Keith Richards while performing at halftime.

10. I will sit alone in front of my 60 inch TV, and cry a single tear because everyone made plans to watch the game with other people.


Check in Monday to see my accuracy rating!!

Pictures of Wanda

Our policy here at "Get Out Of Life Alive" is to never negotiate with Anonymous commentors, lest they gain the upper hand. However, I am ready to break that rule for the Anonymous poster who left a comment on the last blog I wrote (Winnie or Wanda)requesting pictures of Wanda (Lisa Dean Ryan), because they claim that I, of all people, am trying to sway the voting towards Winnie (Danica McKellar).

I should be furious at the accusation. But, I am willing to swallow my feelings and come at this from a true professional approach. Even though it was difficult to find pictures of the lovely Ms. Ryan, I found a couple.





There, Anonymous, are you happy?!?

Winnie or Wanda?

Back when I was a young lad, my brother and I had an ongoing debate. Hopefully, with your help, we can end this battle here and now.

Who's hotter: Winnie or Wanda?

Winnie Cooper was the girl next door on The Wonder Years, and the object of my desires.
(she's the one on the right... SHE'S ON YOUR RIGHT!!)


My brother, being a bit older, prefered Wanda from Doogie Howser M.D.



Well, over the years, the argument died with no clear winner. We moved on to ogle other chicks, but deep inside, the argument still lingers. So, I'll let you decide, and I won't say anything else. BUT, I will leave you with a couple of current pictures of the fair Winnie Cooper, and since a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let them speak for themselves.








Maybe I have one more thing to say...Wanda who?


PS...I know you out there in blogland were hot for Sam on Who's the Boss, so you don't need to tell me that in the comments, ok?

(then)

(NOW)

It Said What?

Part of the duties of my job include imputing the days numbers into a web based database. Why? I don't know, really. I guess so Big Brother can keep an eye on me and "The Man" can keep me down. But regardless of the reasons, I do it.

After I log out of the system, the computer re-directs me to my company's home page so I can read up on all the good things us employees are doing that "The Man" is taking credit for. Well, the last time I was re-directed, the homepage featured a guitar that had a "Play Guitar" strip across it.

Intrigued at to what the guitar would play, I ran my mouse over the strings and heard the following:

-------

Electric Guitar begins roaring
High-Pitched squeaky voice begins to sing:

"Kick Ass...Get Retarded, uh, uh, come on, Get Retarded..."

Music fades

-------

I was shocked!! This on a major company's web site? I listened again, because maybe, just maybe they weren't saying what I thought. A little banner in the corner said "Get Rockin'" But I'm positive the guitar didn't say Get Rockin'.

The second time I heard Kick It...but still Get Retarded. I couldn't hear anything else.

I asked my co-worker what she thought. She listened a few times, and said it sounded like Get Retarded, but maybe it was Get Me Started. Whatever!!

I listened a few more times, then called the only person who could help me figure out the problem:




Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas.


Fergie: "Yo, who dis?"

Me: "Hey Fergie, sup girl?"

Fergie: "Hey, Playa, where you been, kid?"

Me: "You knows, I'm busy...gots stuff to do..."

Fergie: "True."

Me: "Yo, listen to this and tell me what you hear."

Fergie: "Bring it, Playa."

I proceeded to play the guitar with the questionable lyrics.

Fergie: "Whose dat liftin' our lyrics without permission?"

(Note: For those of you not in the know, the Black Eyed Peas sing a song called "Let's Get Retarded" which the radio station forced them to Politically Correct to "Let's Get it Started.")

Me: "I KNOW!"

Fergie: "Yo, playa, I gotta bounce..."

After she hung up, I realized I forgot to ask her if the guitar lady was "liftin" "Let's Get Retarded" or "Let's Get is Started."

Oh, well. Fergie's pissed (and not in her pants this time).



(Side note: Fergie claims she in the picture, the offending spot is sweat. Right...)

Angry Colts Rant

I live in Indiana.

We love the Hoosiers, the Pacers and the Colts...even when all of the above are losing. Even though it was heartbreaking to see the Colts lose this past Sunday, they really didn't deserve to win (judging by the way they played the opening 3 quarters.)

On ESPN yesterday, I heard former QB Ron "Jaws" Jaworski chastise Peyton Manning for publicly criticizing his Offensive line, saying something to the effect of...there is a line you just don't cross, and the line is criticizing your teammates.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to help Peyton out of a jam, and say, emphatically, that THE COLTS OFFENSIVE LINE LOST THE GAME FOR THEM SUNDAY.

Being as I am not an NFL quarterback, I feel I can speak on this subject without backlash from the league, so I will.

If I hear any of the following again, I swear I'll tear out the throat of whoever said it...they include:

1. "That damn Vanderjagt lost the game with his kick."
2. "Peyton chokes in the big games."
3. "I wish I could stab Harper in the leg for not getting around Rothlisberger after that fumble recovery."

or

4. Really any excuse other than the Offensive line blew it.

The only stat you need to know is this...

First 16 games of the season, Peyton Manning was sacked a TOTAL of 17 times (about one per game).

Sunday, he was sacked 5. FIVE TIMES!!

Now, if Peyton had protection, he could have scrambled in the pocket more, found some receivers, and drove the ball down field. Unfortunately, the O line didn't get it right until the 4th Quarter, and by then it was too late. We scored 3 in the first 3 quarters, and 15 in the 4th.

Vanderjagt missed the field goal, and I don't care. If we would have won, it would have been tainted, because Troy Polamalu INTERCEPTED that Manning pass, plain and simple. It shouldn't have been overturned. The referee even said so after the game.

We made it close, and I, as a fan of fairplay, felt a little slimey about coming that close to robbing Pittsburgh of the game. We blew it, (and by we, I of course mean the Offensive line.)

So say what you will about the Colts choking, but don't chastise Manning, who has been brilliant this season, for the shortcomings of his offensive line on Sunday.

Those Young Whipper Snappers!!

Location: Taco Bell drive-thru

Female Taco Bell employee grabs my food from Male Taco Bell employee, and leans out the window.

Taco Bell Girl: "He's so Ghetto, he was tryin' to tag your bag!!"

Me: "Yo, that playa's whack!!"*

* I actually laughed and shook my head in agreement.

What exactly does being "ghetto" mean? And for that matter, what does tagging my bag mean? Man, I'm getting old.

Wherever the Red Dot Goes, YA BANG!!

Have you ever seen these laser pointer thingy-mo-bobbers? You know, the little keychain deals that jack-assed adolencence take to the local Multi-Plex Movie House and shine the little dot on Julia Roberts's toothy grin, or Angelina Jolie's big, big .... er ... lips?

Ok, my question is:

Who the heck was the genius who thought this was a good idea?

Genius: "I'm tired of pointing at that presentation with my finger. What can I invent that would allow me to not have to use my finger, AND I can shine it from across the room?"

Non- Genius: "I don't know, I'm too dumb to think up any inventions."

Genius: "Ah, I have it!! I will have a laser beam across the room, and it will to the trick?"

Non- Genius: "But what if someone shines the laser in their eye?"

Genius: "Shut up!!"

So, the laser pointer was born. Hello, genius...

1. What if someone points the laser beam in their eye?

Answer: Put on a disclaimer.

2. What if an illiterate or small child gets it?

Answer: Shut Up!!

3. Most importantly, haven't you ever seen a movie with a gun? Hello?!? RED LASER POINTER ON THE GUNS!!

"Wherever the red dot goes, YA BANG!!" (Come on, people, go watch Friday the 13th Part 6 for the love of God!!)

Answer: None...come on genius, make the laser blue, at least!!

(NOTE: Don't shine the laser pointer where people are...I shone it down the hallway here at work to see how far the beam went, and some guy came around the corner, dropped to his knees, pee'd his pants, and started sucking his thumb. Sorry about that!!)

Ok, I've lost my train of thought, and I can't see out of my left eye because this laser beam really shouldn't be pointed directly at your eye!!

Who Are You?

Monday mornings are the worst. After adjusting yourself to stay up as late as possible on the weekends, along creeps Monday morning to snap you back to reality with a judo chop.

After waking up slightly late, I rushed to take a shower, got dressed and grabbed all the necessities for the work day ahead. Unfortunately, I forgot one crutial element.

No, it wasn't my pants, you perverts!!

It was my security badge.

You see, the building I work in is all James Bond and stuff. Very high tech, very Top Secret, very secured. You need a badge to enter, even if you work in the Document Center like I do. My office is directly inside the back door, and I talk to, or at least see, nearly everyone in the building, everyday. Basically, I am very well known within the building.

(Please refer to Movin' On Up if you don't believe me.)

I decided to keep on truckin' to work, since I was half-way there already, late, and too lazy to drive back to the house and go inside to retrieve my badge. I figured a couple of things could happen:

1. Someone would be outside smoking, and they would let me in.
2. I could get to work, and use the cell phone to call my co-worker to let me in.
3. I could pound on the door until someone heard it, and let me in.

Being the lazy person I am, I didn't want to expend the effort to call my co-worker, and pounding on the door is so rude, I decided to wait for a smoker. Soon after I arrived at the back door, the garage door opened. It wasn't a smoker, but it was my way in.

The lady who opened the door was from the Data Center. She was a pleasant women whom I spoke to often. Seeing my opportunity, I slipped in under the garage door, waved hello to the Data Center lady and made my way to a second door which opens up five feet away from my office.

But that door, too, needed the badge to be opened.

I patiently waited for the Data Center lady to finish her business with the Security tape delivery guy, then I asked her politely if she would let me in, as I had forgotten my badge.

Her: "What's your name?"
Me: Stunned "Uh, Tony, I work right across the hall."
Her: "Tony what?"

At this point I was stunned beyond belief. I've worked here for 5 years and you are asking me who I am? I stuttered my full name, and proceeded to provide her with enough nervous information to make an innocent man seem guilty.

Finally, she agreed, only after I walked her the full five feet to my office, showed her my desk (which has a picture of me on it) and had my co-worker vouch for me (which she reluctantly did, because she thought Data Center lady was just kidding, too.)

Needless to say, I never leave the house without my security badge anymore, and I make sure everytime I see Data Center lady in the hall, I greet her by name, just to make sure she knows I exist.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, kids, we did it. We survived the holidays. We survived the turkey, we survived the visitation of 50 places, we survived the Christmas decorations and the continuous loop of Christmas songs which was layed upon us starting in October.

The point is, it is 2006...the holidays are over!!

Did you have a good holiday, fine reader? I certainly hope so. I had a very nice Christmas, and a fine, fine New Year's. (I would like to take a moment to warn you about the film Wolf Creek...if you haven't sat through this movie yet, SAVE YOUR MONEY!! We went and watched it Christmas day and it was bad...really, really bad!!)

Anyhoo, sorry for the aside. Like any rational American, New Year's is a time for resolutions. So, this year, I think I was able to come up with a few that I'm sure I can stick with. So, without further ado, here are my New Year's resolutions for the year Two double-0 Six.

#1: Work Less. I think work dominates so many of our lives that we forget sometimes about the things that are most important. Family, friends, health, etc. Of course, work doesn't even come close to dominating my life, so working even less is going to be really hard. But that's why they call it a resolution!! They are suppose to be hard!!

#2: More Me Time. Kickin' back on a Sunday and watching the Colts win the Super Bowl...cataloging some records...taking a cat nap with my cat. These are a few of my favorite things, and thusly, I pledge to make more time for them in 2006.

#3: Blog More. Gotta keep my two readers satisfied with more of what they crave...me. How can I argue with that? Like I've always heard, the customer is always right!! (Yes, you are the customer in this situation...and if you want more, than who am I to stop that? Really, who the heck am I?)

So, that's it. I didn't want to make too many because a man can only do so much. I'm not a robot here, people!! Hopefully, I can stick with my goals, and make this the best year ever!!